Could it be worst?

Those who are in my circle would know by now that I’m currently working on another novel, with the working title ‘Jar of Love’, and the novel in progress is one  the culprit to my lack of sleep as well as lack of intelligent content in my blog.

To give myself a bit more time to work on my novel, I’ve been taking a break from blogging, and instead of writing the way I used to, I’ve been merely dumping my recipes and whatnots into my blog.

And though I feel guilty for doing it, as it’s not my style at all, I have no other choice, because living in my world, 24 hours is not enough for me to use, no matter how organized I am, and no matter how I scheduled up things for myself to follow.

Rest is not quite in my dictionary. In fact, it is rather…unachievable. Let’s just say I’m not blessed enough with a peaceful and a quiet home, and there’s constant noise that made sleep almost impossible. But then, maybe God knows best. You’d find that it’s amazing that you can actually do many things when you don’t really sleep.

Time is a legal robber. It takes many things away from us legally. It robs us of our youth, our beauty, and if we’re not careful, it could take away many more things away from us, including our life. Realizing that, I try to live my life as if there’s no tomorrow.

In my world… there is a possibility that there’s no tomorrow. Because I’ve always believed that death could come to my doorstep anytime. Some people may accuse me of being pessimistic and negative, but I speak the truth.

It’s logical, you see. I may not die because of an illness or any sort of long term suffering. But I could have been rammed by a lorry the next day and I might not be warned of it, or maybe, I suddenly got sick and depressed of life so much and decided to end it by committing suicide and therefore, I work and play like mad today before any of those happen to me tomorrow.

My future is not set in stones. It’s full of uncertainties and it’s unpredictable. My dad once asked me to imagine what, and how I will be like in 10 more years time, and sadly, I could not imagine it anymore and he had duly noted something about me that displeased him the last time I met him a couple of months ago.

He told me that I stopped trying to achieve and feeling good about myself, because the people around me constantly tells me that I’m not good enough, or I’m not up to par to their standards. He told me to stop downgrading myself that way; by listening to those people and he told me to stop trying to please them and for what it’s worth, he would support me, no matter what, for I am his daughter, and always will be.

The fact will always remain that though I’ve left home and hardly see him anymore, he’s just one phone call away whenever I need him. It’s just sad that I have to be reminded of that, no? I’m just so glad that he did told me that and made me see that even though the whole world ever decide to ditch me, he will still be there for me. With those words, my dad gave me a reason to start living for myself again.

What my dad says makes sense, and always have made sense, and thank God I can write. Writing is a part of my work and my life. Writing is a way for me to leave a legacy behind and it makes me feel good about myself. You see, when human finally die, they either leave a name behind and be remembered throughout the history or they’re slowly forgotten as time goes by.

My biggest dream is that I don’t want to be forgotten. It wouldn’t be unacceptable for me that when I die, people would refer me by using the past tense. I want people to speak about my by using the present tense. I want to be a part of the history. I would prefer people to refer me as “She is, and will always be the greatest, and as long as people can read, she would be immortalized.” instead of “She was the greatest”. When I finally expire, I want to leave a legacy behind…at least among people who could read.

When we grow up, we tend to loose direction and ambition because we’re driven by the harsh reality. We forget our dreams, and we no longer have the determination of a child. We live, just to survive, and no longer to achieve what we have set to achieve. We have jobs, instead of a career, and the world is a harder place to be in. I don’t think I want that, and be just an average Jane.

Sometimes, I do wonder, what the hell is stopping me from making the breakthrough? What is stopping me? That, ladies and gentleman a question that I wish I have an answer for myself.


Cleffairy: It is not Death that I fear. It’s living without a reason that I fear. Thank you dad, for giving me wisdom and courage when I needed it. Thank you for being there for me each time I needed someone to guide me along the thorny path. Happy father’s day to you, and all fathers in the world who are always there for their children. Thank you for being there, even when we’ve forgotten that you’ll be there for us.

10 comments

  1. suituapui says:

    Happy Father’s Day to your Dad! Ya, we do not know what tomorrow holds but we do know Who holds our hands… Trust in the Lord, God bless always.

    • Cleffairy says:

      Yeah… we do know who holds our hands and lead us, though sometimes we tend to forget it. πŸ˜€ Happy father’s day, Cikgu. πŸ˜€

  2. ericlee says:

    i seriously think u can relate yourself to Tom Keats…know who is he? this post reminds me of his poems and life story…LOL

      • ericlee says:

        a famous poet who aim to be famous, wanted to leave his mark in this world before he dies….unfortunately, he’s not appreciated and even die young..the most famous thing about him is on his tombstone, he specially ordered to be written this statement..”here lies whose name is written on water”…something like that…represents how he feels about himself, not famous and quickly forgotten like writings on water…but after he died, he become very famous..LOL

    • Cleffairy says:

      Yes, I believe that’s true too…. cuz there’s too many things we can hold onto… that is why we’re not so willing to let go.

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