*WARNING- This will be a very long entry*
Last year….2009 was a miserable year for me. I could be likened to a little bird with a pair of broken wings, unable to fly. I was really unhappy, I feel neglected and I feel that people around me took me for granted. I was dead inside in 2009. I was lost, and I desperately search for a reason to continue living… not for people who trampled me and resent me, but for myself. And therefore, needing something to cling on to… a reason to continue to live on one day at a time, I started my 2010 with ‘The Letters To My Future Self’. Letters… that I wrote in the end of 2009… telling myself what to do every single day in 2010, and to encourage myself each day in 2010. There was 365 letters.
Yes, I was so desperate for a reason to live, because I practically had none… all because I feel dead inside, and I mourned for myself… for all the mistakes that I did, and my inability to shut out certain things in my life, for giving trust and respect but had none in return and also, for my stupidity… sheer stupidity that I thought that I could actually pleased people who can never be pleased. I hated myself for how my life turned out, and I barely recognized myself in the mirror.
I achieved not a single thing in 2009 and I was no longer the person who looked radiant on the outside, reflecting happiness, and I was no longer the same person who was positive and grateful. It was all because I ‘gave’ powers to people around me to hurt me, including my loved ones. I was a fool, and I wanted that no longer. In the end of 2009, I decided to put a stop to everything, and I knowing that I needed to heal, I told myself that I ought to stop giving ‘those people’ power to hurt me, and I should not care for them, especially when they do not have respect for me and resent me. Yes… I should never care for those who treated me with contempt anymore.
And so, I threaded 2010 with absolute caution. Determined not to let myself belonged to anyone but myself, and my only resolution for 2010 was just be happy apart from writing one page per day for my novel so that I can have a new novel in my collection by the end of the year.
More or less, I got what I wished for. The wounds that was inflicted on me still hurt, and the trust that has been shattered was still beyond repair, but I found a reason to continue living, though, and as I took things one day at a time, I realized that loving myself more and opening up myself to people besides those who are living under the same roof with me is one of the keys to happiness. And slowly… little by little… I began my journey to healing…
Here’s looking back on the things I’ve done… and learned in 2010.
JANUARY 2010- Row, row your boat, gently down the stream… when you see a crocodile, don’t forget to scream!
January 2010. A start of something new for me. I was determined to heal, and to be happier. That was the only thing that I wanted for myself for 2010. Something that I must have, by hook or by crook. I was determined to let more people into my life, and be a better me, and I started off 1st January 2010 by opening my first letter of the year and launched cleffairy.com. Got myself a domain name for a start, hoping that one day, the blog will portray a better me through my writings. I was hoping…praying that I will be a brighter, happier person, and one day, I would change my pitch black template into something brighter, hopefully before 2010 ends to symbolize a brighter, better me.
I also started to befriend more people and opening up myself to them, realizing that if I want friendship, I got to be the first one to start it. You know… a lot of things works this way. You want something, you got to give something first. I prayed alot in January, realizing that all these while, when everyone left me and let me be hurt, intentionally or not, only God never failed to leave me.
I started to realize that a lot of things in my life happened for a reason. God loved me, and He was trying to knock on my door, andÂ bad things in my life happened because He wanted to show me who is capable of hurting me. God was warning me to be very careful with people around me as they are extremely pretentious, manipulative, domineering, and they want me to be out of the picture.
I was so, so wrong about Him when I thought He had abandoned me when bad things happened to me. Yes… I was very wrong, because God was guiding me all the way. He sent me a lot of people to support me and to encourage me in ways that I thought was not possible when my personal disaster and conflict started to happen. I refused to see it then, but I could slowly see now… things always happened for a reason, and for me, it happens because God wants to warn me that all these while… I’ve been going about my life the wrong way.
FEBRUARY– Night, night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bug bite!
Still traumatized with the things that happened in 2009… February became quite a nightmare. I could barely sleep in February. I dreaded the awful Chinese New Year, because that is the time of the year that I felt no one was there to protect me from the in laws, including my husband, because from my observation all these years… he himself have been oppressed by his family. They treated him like dirt when he was a child, and he just took it. Unlike me, he did not thrive on kindness. His childhood and upbringing was completely different from mine. His family have domineering patriarchs and matriarch. While me… I grew up in a typically loving family who loves me unconditionally. I grew up with my family’s kindness while he… he grew up with criticism and comparison. And therefore… he was always being compared by his family, and I come to learn that no matter what he did to please his mother, father and the entire clan, he was deemed never good enough. And therefore…even when he’s an adult… he was still oppressed.. So… what did I do in February to avoid calamity and awkwardness? Well, nothing much. I just ignore, pray that God protects me and give me courage alot and blocked whatever criticism that’s hinted at me to displease me. I know better now not to fall into such trap. Once bitten, twice shy and I should not give the power to people to hurt me in any way anymore. I also learn that to maintain peacefulness, it is best to avoid crossing path with people who tries to trample me beyond repair. So yeah… if someone rudely snatched awayÂ the newspaper that I was holding in my hand in front of the entire family, I should not be upset. I should only laugh. Why? Because that shows the world that I was the one with proper upbringing, and not the other way around. If people are rude to me, resent me, I should not be bothered. I should also stop trying to please them. For what it’s worth, some people cannot be pleased, no matter what you do. And some people are definitely not easy to live with. In February 2010, I realized that the bad people are not necessarily bad, and the good people are not necessarily an angel or a saint. I also come to learn that to have something, sometimes, one would have to learn to let go too… and… and just let things be. There are things beyond my control and I should learn to accept that I can’t be the ‘Jack of all trade’. I cannot be good at everything. And sometimes, I have to choose on whether to be just a good wife, just a good mother or just a good daughter. I can’t be all at once. I got to choose. I chose none. I just choose to be me.
MARCH- Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high… there’s a land I heard of once in a lullaby…
Somewhere Over the Rainbow is the perfect song to describe my life in March 2010. Somewhere Over the Rainbow is also the lullaby that my father always sings to me to make me sleep when I was a little girl. Befitting of the month, because my father came to visit me a lot in March and it makes me feel loved and cared for. It is nice to be me once again. It’s also the time of the year where my life was filled with joy and good friends who became as important as family to me. Surprising enough, they are bloggers too. It’s amazing how strange and queer things turn out when you finally open up yourself to all the possibilities. Life, is full of surprises, and definitely full of love. With the correct people, love and friendship is possible. But in March too, I learned that I hated to be chained and shackled and being manipulate and be put on a string like a puppeteer does to his marionette!
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?
APRIL 2010- Mistress Mary, quite contrary, so how does your garden grow? With Silver Bells and Cockle Shells, with cuckolds all in a row.
Like Queen Elizabeth I, I come to realize that there’s a ‘Bloody Mary’ in my life and discovered that a lot of things contradicts one another. And things are never what it always seems on the surface, especially people’s looks. Pretty, sweet looking woman does not mean she have a good heart. In April I realized that some friends are better off an enemy as they are not sincere towards you, and they have the most hideous heart ever. They come to you when they need you or wants to use you for their own benefit, but ditch you when you are no longer useful to them. They too, never share good things and keeps things to themselves. Well, good riddance to bad rubbish for such ‘friends’ are shrewed and vengeful too, and I come to learn about that a few months later. They’d do many things, and they are not above sending spies to pretend to be your sweet and docile friend to practically destroy you through the people you trust most either! Good grief… the screaming of ‘Off with her head! Off with her head’ was very loud and clear, but why was I so stupid that I did not hear it? Anyway, I don’t need a fair weather friend. Plus… I’m born in the year of the Rat. Snakes will eat me anyway. I ought to learn to NEVER welcome any snakes in my life. I ought to read my bible more. From the beginning of time, snakes have been the bane of women’s existence! I’m talking about the literal snakes, of course…people who were born in snake years… people who seduce like snakes… people who have venom in their blood like snakes… etc.
MAY 2010-Â Lavender blue and Rosemary green, when you are King, I shall be Queen.
May 2010 was fairly a good and romantic month. I had a lot of fun and life was merry. Love was all around and breathing became easy. I stopped depending on my ‘letters’ to continue to live as I started to slowly take things one day at a time. I’m the kind of people who will treat people like a King if they treat me like a Queen. So if people are good to me, I’ll be ten times good to them. My loved ones are not excluded from this. Yes, May 2010 was a wonderful and memorable month. I was calmer and I had some serenity. Sleep too, came easier for me. And… I also changedÂ my blog template on 20th May 2010 from the pitch black to the calm light blue to symbolize my happiness and hope for brighter days ahead. I also, launched my novel, Royal Masquerade on the very same day, 20th May 2010. There’s so many things that happened in May 2010, and I celebrated life to the fullest.
But strange enough, barely one month of getting rid the thorns in my flesh, came another. In came Little Miss Muffet. I wonder what some people’s intention towards me are. And I also come to wonder about the efficiency of the ‘ very private hospital’ somewhere in East Malaysia. How can you allow hand-phones for the bloody patients who had just gone under the knife in the hospital? And since when the sedation was not used on a patient who had just been operated? And since when a sickly person is allowed to dance her day and night away during their recuperating hours? And since when a person who had undergone an operation was allowed to eat just after the operation?Â I don’t know… it’s beyond my comprehension. A bit of a bullshit to me. I’m no Sherlock, but I don’t need any Watson to tell me ” Elementary my dear lady…don’t trust the dainty Little Miss Muffet! It’s all lies and deceit! Little Miss Muffet is a spy, and it would be a bloody brilliant idea if you got rid of Little Miss Muffet!”
JUNE 2010– Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall… Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again!
When will I learn that there’s always a calm before a storm? Well, I was really naive to think that some people’s intention towards me are good, and I tend to ignore the fact that sometimes, people would approach me with nasty intention. Why the hell did I ever let my guard down towards sickeningly sweet people? Hmm… foolish me! Oh well, nobody asked me to sit on the wall…serves me right for getting a great fall! Oh yes, by the way… remember the wicked old witch that was not invited to Sleeping Beauty’s christening? She got rather mad for not being invited to the glamourous party and she schemed for the poor little princess to die on her sixteenth birthday? Well I kinda messed up with that old, rotten lady. So she cursed me to be depressed and miserable for a couple of month. Tsk tsk tsk! Lucky I managed to break the spell, else I would have ended up like poor Sleeping Beauty too! Remember, folks, never ever mess with the wicked old lady from the Sleeping Beauty story! It won’t be pretty.
JULY 2010- Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and doesn’t know where to find them. Leave them alone, and they’ll come home wagging their tails behind them.
I lost the proverbial sheep. Someone kidnapped it from me just for the fun of it and I didn’t know where to find it. If only I know that the only way to get the little sheep back is by leaving it alone. It would have spared me misery. I also develop strong dislike and resentments towards drunkards. It disgust me the same way when a swine was slaughtered before my very eyes. But then again… in vino veritas. There is truth in wine and I stopped being such a twit!
AUGUST 2010- Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came the spider who sat beside her, and scares Miss Muffet away.
Well, the spider did not exactly scare Little Miss Muffet away in my case… The Little Miss Muffet who had been a naughty little spy who was hired by the old witch from Sleeping Beauty story to kidnap my poor little sheep found herself her very own King Cole, and went her merry ways after that. I wonder though, how long exactly the old King Cole will have his merry old soul with Little Miss Muffet?
SEPTEMBER 2010- Rain rain, go away….come again another day, little fairy wants to play…
Well, the rain finally went away and I celebrated my birthday on 2nd September with a lot of love, joy and blessings from people who loves me and people whom I come to care for. I was lavished with gifts by a lot of people. (Pssst… you know who you are. :D) Received so much birthday presents via mail, and I was deeply touched by my friends thoughtfulness. I could not ask for a better birthday. There was hand sewn bag, glittering clothes… funky yellow apron with a fat man on it, notepads, birthday cards, body lotions…strange, exotic drinks, books…home-baked cakes… chocolates…and the list goes on.
I did not blog about it. Why? Not because I was not thankful or ungrateful, but I don’t feel like showing off, and most did not want me to write about it. So… all I can say is thank you… thank you for sending me gifts and loving me. I’ll always keep you guys in my thoughts, andÂ keep you in my prayers every day before I go to sleep. 😀 I’m not good at showing my gratitude, but know this, not a day passed by without me praying for your happiness and health.
OCTOBER 2010- Sing a song of sixpence a pocketful of rye, four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie…
Another happy month for me, for I was stuffed full with food, literally, by all of my big sisters who are all a good cook. Cakes, glutinous rice, soup…desserts. It is a wonder that I did not grow even an inch sideways yet with all the things I’ve eaten. October would have been perfect though… if there was no incidents to make my blood boil. Remember the things that I blogged about? The organizer in Skudai and the negligent hotel? Well… they ruined my October, but thank God I was pacified by a 28 hours detour to Malacca. (The MOE made me cut it short… grr…it is too much to ask them to respect people’s time and plan, isn’t it?)
NOVEMBER 2010- Pussycat, Pussycat where have you been? I’ve been to London to look at the Queen…
The proverbial pussycat was back… or rather,Â the yearlyÂ NaNoWriMo event was back. I love November, absolutely love it, for I get to be with people who loves to write and as crazy as I am. It gets madder and madder in November, and I love it to bits. It’s a perfect November, surrounded with people who follow the white rabbit. November is also a month where my insanity meets curiosity, and I continued to celebrate life to the fullest. It was a month of ‘eat, sleep, write and be merry’. November was a busy yet fulfilling month, and yes, I won NaNoWriMo too! *GRINZ*
DECEMBER 2010– Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…
Another happy and busy month for me. Had a blast meeting up with STP, and goes jolly all the way with food with my beloved friends too. Christmas was also a blast this year. Loads of gifts that came to me as early as November from family and friends and loads of love from my loved ones too.But the best gift of all is that I get to spend it with my mum and dad and my little family instead of being around people who merely tolerate my existence. I also finished my one page a dayÂ novel rather early. An accomplishment in itself, I must say.
Well, now that December is coming to an end, I’m feeling a little bit depressed, because it’s been a very good year, and it’s been so long since I last feel so loved and alive.Thank you, God, for giving me such a wonderful year. There’s been hiccups along the way but it worked out fine in the end, because God was there to guide me all the way. It’s been a wonderful year, and it’s kinda bittersweet to say goodbye to 2010 and welcomes 2011 into my life.
I hope 2011 would be a better year than 2010 for me (But somehow, I know February is going to send me into depression again. LOL. Same cycle every damn year! It’s seasonal depression that cannot be avoided). Oh, I pray to God it will be a better year, and I want nothing more than happiness and some peacefulness in 2011.
I don’t have any big resolution, for I believe that as long as I take things one day at a time and take the world as it is, everything will turn out well. But… I’ll continue to write one page a day for a new novel so that I have another thing to feel happy about by the end of December 2011. 😀
Cleffairy: Looking back on the things I’ve done… I was trying to be someone…
Shape of My Heart by Backstreet Boys