When I couldn’t sleep…

It’s been months…months since I had recurring nightmares. It faded for a while, but the peacefulness of the night sleep that I’ve been getting for a week or two did not last, and I keep getting nightmares again, and this explains why I’m awake at 3:53am Malaysian time, sitting in front of the PC, trying to forget the vivid dreams that’s been visiting me. It’s the same old dreams, and though it is not that scary anymore, it still disturbs me greatly.

It seems that the ‘Evil One’ refused to let me have peace, even when I’m asleep. I am not quite sure why I’ve been getting those horrid nightmares over and over again. It seems that ‘someone’ is trying to send me a message and is unhappy when I am at peace with myself and feeling contented.

But God is with me…I have faith that he will protect me from the ‘Evil One’. These days, when I woke up, feeling agitated because of those dreams where my loved ones betrayed me, I prayed, and prayed hard, though it did not help me to sleep, but it helped to calm me and made me see, that those horrid nightmares actually had a theme, which is ‘it’ wants me to give up what I have now instead of persevere.

Well, though the whole world might be against me, He will always be with me, and that will remain unchanged until the end of time. Am I not blessed… to be able to realize His eternal love for me when I am still young? Things could be worst, and I could have ended up like those people who decided to shut Him out of their life.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may not understand my ramblings, but it is all right. I am here not to ramble much. I am here just to share a little something… something for you to ponder on.

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I asked God to take away my bad habits.

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

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I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.

God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary

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I asked God to grant me patience.

God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;it isn’t granted, it is learned.

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I asked God to give me happiness.

God said, No. I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

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I asked God to spare me pain.

God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

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I asked God to make my spirit grow.

God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

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I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.

God said, No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

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I finally understood, that when God says no to me each time I asked Him something, it is not because He doesn’t care for me, but it is because he is smarter, and definitely knows better. After all, I am just human, and God works in mysterious ways.

I have learned how to be more at peace with myself, and my journey is still very long. While some pray for my safety and happiness, there are some others who wants me out of the picture, and tries very hard to ruin my happiness. I am completely aware of that, and I want to say here that I know about all of your evil intentions, for you couldn’t be more obvious. It doesn’t matter what you do, I no longer fear you, for God is with me, and I’ll have you know that I have a hurricane in me that will destroy you if you dare to harm what I’ve fought so hard to protect.

One could work with the demons and sell their soul to the devil just because they want others to suffer, but by the end of the day, God will give me justice, and he shall protect me, in his own ways.


Cleffairy: God is my strength, my eternal guiding light. He stands with in the sunshine, and calms me through the stormy nights.

The Lord is my strength,
My eternal guiding light.
He stands with me in the sunshine,
Calms me through the stormy nights.

36 comments

  1. suituapui says:

    Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist? Looks like symptoms of chronic depression. Good also to turn to God in prayer…talk to people in your church. Do they have a counsellor to deal with such things?

    • Cleffairy says:

      See psychiatrist prolly will make it more worst, cuz they tend to make problems out of nothing. Sien only. 🙁 Actually, I’m not quite sure if it’s depression, but I suspect it’s something related to post traumatic stress disorder. I used to get horrible nightmares a couple of years ago after giving birth. Kept dreaming about those gory things over and over again for months! Too many things happened in 2009…I think my nightmares are somewhat related to the events that occurred in 2009. 🙁 It’s the same nightmares… recurring over and over again. Same thing almost every night…at first, it does bother me greatly, but now, since I kept dream journal, I can see the pattern,;these nightmares had certain themes…so I’m not that scared anymore. Just feel uncomfortable, cuz lack of sleep. 🙁

      I tried talking to God, it really does help a lot. No joke… He calmed me greatly, and I cannot be more thankful than that. This is going to sound really strange, but God is still the best listener to me. Human? Some human really mengarut wan! LOL…

  2. manglish says:

    anyone u can open up and talk to? but i think you can work your way thru whatever that you are facing, i have faith in you 🙂

    • Cleffairy says:

      My cat… and God. LOL… human are mostly mengarut. You talk to them… they dun listen. Instead,some tend to judge and try to assess wud the hell is wrong with my head, instead of just listen and be a friend.

      I think it’s PTSD. :(… so far, I’m using writing as a therapy…it does work, though not to the point it can erase those nightmares.

  3. mizz sharon says:

    I feel u, when u say u can’t sleep.
    coz i suffer from the same problem too.
    i don’t think the reason a person can’t sleep is becoz they have emotional problems or anything of that sort, its just a recurring bad habit which is hard to cure..

  4. Merryn says:

    erm, I dun suffer from any sleeping disorder. Usually by the time my head land on my pillow.. I’m already in dreamland.. I’m THAT tired..

    hugs fairy..

  5. Gratitude says:

    Hey fairy, so glad that you realised that rather than blind faith, you fully understand that we have to rely on ourselves. God helps us only if we help ourselves. ^_^
    Hope all goes well for you very soon.
    +Ant+

    • Cleffairy says:

      It’s never blind faith on my part. God grant me serenity yes, but I realized that god only helped those who helped themselves. I was an agnostic myself. I never believed in just praying could settle my probs… I have to work it out too… but sometimes, strange things happen around me, and it’s beyond human comprehension, so i know God is out there, looking out for me, and guiding me all the way as I go.

  6. junsern says:

    well, kinda managed to decipher what you are saying. well, god is there to guide us but not do things for us. he gives us faith and focus. I am speaking not representing any religion. I am agnostic. But yeah god works in a mysterious way. Most important is think positive and most important is to face ur fear. Forget the past, enjoy and cherish what you have now as we do not know what is going to happen tomolo.

    god bless! and I bless… cheers!

    • Cleffairy says:

      Exactly… he is out there to look out for us, give us nudges, but the rest is up to us. I get what you mean. i was an agnostic myself. i didn’t believe in God until last year, He made way back into my heart… cuz too many things happened, and I realized it happened for one reason-God is trying to make me see. 😀 I understand it now…

      *sigh* The past is not quite something I can forget… though I try hard to bury it, I suppose, it resurface when I’m sleeping. 🙁 Subconscious memory? I dunno…

  7. fatty oldman says:

    u tink n worry too mch tat y nitemare owes haunting u…

    wait i free end mth i wil b at kl n will visit u if u free… 😉

    • Cleffairy says:

      Not sure if that’s the case la, bro…sometimes, go to sleep oso think nothing, the mind blank wan, but still get nightmares…same ones summore. Damn sien la… ohhhhh… you’re coming back to Malaysia? Cuti kah?

  8. ericlee says:

    You know, there’s a belief that when you think too much of certain things, your mind won’t be at peace and hence having those dreams..correct me if i’m wrong, I guessed you worried too much with over certain things in life which leads to your constant prayers and seek of comfort from God..I think you should loosen up a little once awhile…I would not know if the belief is true but I remembered reading that dreams occured when your brain is still actively working and not resting..Cheer up and relax and may be those nightmares would go away…

    Anyway, a fun fact for you, I read before that each time you pray, a certain part of your brain will react to it and that particular part would not react anytime of the day and only react when you pray. However, what is the effect of it, no one knows yet… =)

    • Cleffairy says:

      Whoa! Human brain is a real mystery, no? 🙁 I suspect… somehow I suspect that my nightmares is as a result of a post traumatic stress disorder… last year, my house was burn down in a fire…my family and I escaped in the nick of time and almost didn’t make it. I had nightmares before the fire…and after that, it got more worst. Now, even though I no longer think about it, I still get nightmares… I am not quite sure why. 🙁

      • ericlee says:

        constant chatting about ur problems with ur frens and family members would strongly help u overcome the disorder i hope…i seldom have dreams, so i wouldn’t know how stressful it is having constant nightmares…but i do know that at som point you can take control of your dreams…my sister’s friend did have this ability…and yes, he experienced out-of-body before too…=)

        • Cleffairy says:

          🙁 Yeah, I’m aware of that, however, it doesn’t seems to work, cuz I talked about what’s bothering quite often. I even jot them down. Indeed, at some point, we can take control of our dreams. It’s called lucid dreaming. For some, it’s a natural disability. For others, it’s a learned skill. I can only control those ridiculous dreams, but not vivid nightmares. It’s very hard to do ‘reality checks’ in nightmares. Haizzzz… 🙁

  9. Mommy Ling says:

    Cleff, i did have de same prob liked u back few months ago. I couldnt sleep, mind keep thinking n thinking so many things. I only can sleep when i heard the Cock cock kuu koo ku**morning at 6.30am. By that time i need to get up for work edy..i know how u feels too..really driving us crazy.

    But recently it went back to normal when i got my pillow back. Yea, Ethel curi my pillow..hahha. I need a good pillow onie can fall into my ZZZ..land.

    Dun think so much..perhaps i can borrow u my BAntal Bususk..hehehhe..then u can faster fall asleep…wakakaka..

    Get well soon, dearie…

    • Cleffairy says:

      ya, ya! Like vamp leh, Mommy Ling! I’m exactly like that… when the sun started to rise, only feels sleepy and wants to sleep. Night time, cannot sleep at all. Sway like mad… worst thing is, that time is when we’re suppose to wake up and get things going! 🙁 I don’t mind the solitude… I dun mind it at all, but it irritates me lerr… cuz not being able to sleep well at night made me feel easily irritated and annoyed. Den temper will be bad too 🙁 Would have enjoyed being a vamp if day time is not so hot and I can sleep well during the day. These days, the heat made me uncomfy to sleep during daytime as well. 🙁 Sien.

      Me dowan bantal busuk… me wan bunny… see… wan this one:

      (\__/)
      (0 . 0)
      (“) (“)

    • Cleffairy says:

      🙁 Unfortunately for me, ‘professionals’ in Malaysia are not trained to listen. They are trained to judge instead. I’m sick and tired of them. The only help I turn to now is God. I believe he will make it easy for me when I’m helping myself. 😀

  10. fatty oldman says:

    i tink thre smts following u tat y u owes got nitemare…

    my godbro ask me go as he wil bring family go…i sure got free time sumore company ask me clear leave… 😉

  11. Cheeyee says:

    Phew finally finish catching up on ur posts!

    Ei still got nightmare? Poor gal. I used to have one trick which guarantee I can fall asleep very fast – proven 100%! But long time did not try. Don’t know still work or not. LOL! Tell u next time when we chat. 🙂

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