These days, whenever my personal number rings, and whenever I see the caller ID is either my mother or my father, my heart will beat like nobody’s business. Those phone calls from my parents scares me. I don’t always feel like this, but lately, there’s been too many deaths in the family.
First, a week ago, I was informed that my grand uncle has passed away unexpectedly. The man was rather fond of me when I was a little girl, and being the granddaughter of his elder brother, I was spoiled rotten. I wish I could have went back to my hometown and pay my last respect to him before he was laid to rest, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I did not manage to make that trip back. I did not want to talk about this. I try not to think about it, but at times, I do feel really bad about not being able to pay my last respect to him. He has given me so much wonderful childhood memories that I will never forget; he’s one of the first to hold my hand and walk me around the park, and he’s one of those people in my lives who had given me piggy back rides and had carried me whenever I was too tired to walk, and yet, I could not even make that trip back to walk with him during his last journey.
I feel terrible, and terrible still when I received another phone call from my mother a few days after, telling me that my grand aunt has passed away while she was sleeping. Another pang of sadness hit me. She was my late grandmother’s sister in law, another person who was really, really fond of me, and would have never forgotten to send me birthday presents and souvenirs whenever she goes traveling through my grandmother until I was 16 years old. Despite the fact that this grand aunt was living in Kuala Lumpur, I did not manage to pay her the last respect that she deserved either. I found out about her death way too late, and by the time I was informed, the funeral was already over.
I was still mourning for both my late grand uncle and grand aunt, and then I received another phone call from my mother again yesterday morning, informing me that there is another death in the family, and this time around, it’s one of my aunt. She passed away after suffering from cancer for quite some years. She’s also another one of those people who loved me so, so much and was really fond of me as a child. She’s one of those people who told me bedtime stories, and hugged me whenever I feel bad about getting bad grades. I did not manage to pay her any last respect either.
There was three deaths in the family within the period of two weeks. Instead of just feeling sad, I feel really numb and rather estranged too. I stopped sharing my grievance and sadness with people around me, and those who are close to me, as I don’t see any point in doing that anymore. There is nothing they can do to help me. What comfort they could offer me anyway? But there are times, I feel that things are just too much that it overwhelms me. I have no shoulder to cry on when I received such news, and keeping it all inside, is just a tad to painful to endure.
Cleffairy: We’re all living on borrowed time.