S.T.R.E.S.S and D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N is a silent killer

There’s been so many bad news around me lately. There have been sudden and unexpected loss, and many more tragic events had unfortunately occurred. Though misfortune does not directly befalls me, but it does befalls to the people whom I am fond of, and seeing that they are upset and depressed deeply saddens me. It breaks my heart to see the ones that I love fall into stress and pulled into depression.

Those who are in my blogging circle for some time now would know what I am talking about. But I do not wish to mention clearly what I am really talking about. I respect people’s privacy and I’ll be damned if I gossip around like some sexually deprived housewives about people’s misfortune. That would be a tragedy more than the event itself.

Sometimes I do hope that they are stress free, but then again, things happens. Things are sometimes beyond our control, and it’s already predestine. I could easily advice the people who are down, moody, stressful and depressed to not think too much of their problem, but I too had experienced terrible stress and been pulled into a horrible depression that almost made me suicidal once. It takes me more than 2 years to get out of one. And I am not sure if I’m safely rid of it. So I know that brushing off people’s stress and take the easy way out by telling them not to think to much and try to chill is a definite no no!

People who are stressed up needed help, not such brush off, and most are desperate enough that they are almost suicidal. Do you honestly think that telling people not to think about their problems would work? People wanted solution to their problems. People wanted to get out of their problems. Telling them to chill and relax or just pray to God without making any efforts would only heighten their depression, because, such things do not provide any solution. God help those who helped themselves. Who dare to tell me that God had personally helped them? Tell me so, I dare you! I stopped believing in God because when I was almost suicidal, it was not God who helped me through it.

I know this well because I once experienced it myself. What experience, you ask me? Why, depression of course. As I stated before, I was almost suicidal because of it. Life did not treat me well. Relationship was bland and awry. Support from family members/spouse was not with me, because they taught I had no such issue or perhaps ignorant of it.

Maybe that, or they are not sensitive and turn blind eyes to it. Loneliness and lack of social communication/interaction made me feel trapped in my own environment and felt completely left out. I felt that there was no purpose in life. And of course I seek ways to escape it, and I suppose, suicide was the best form of escapism. Yes, I truly thought it was. I was ready to leave, and would gladly do so without second thought. I was happy when I thought that my death would finally free me from all sad things and disappointments that I experienced. I will finally be rid of my nasty unresolved problems.

I was happy with the thoughts that the ones I left behind would suffer and regret that I finally died and it’s their fault that I decided that suicide is way better than be with them. Serve them right for not being attentive. Serve them right for being such uncaring, insensitive bastards who abandoned me without sparing a single thoughts for me. Serve them right for making me feel left out and made me feel that I am not needed, unloved and have no purpose in life.

When I suffered depression, the thought of death was nothing to me. It was imprinted in my thoughts that Death comes to everyone anyway. I was tempted to die. The thoughts was pleasant and inviting. It does not make any difference to me on how it’s delivered and when it is. People die everyday, and so, what difference would it make to me anyway? I seriously thought that.

People who are depressed and melancholic WILL NOT try to chill or not think too much. It doesn’t work that way. Personally, when I am depressed, I would like someone to LISTEN to me instead of judging my situation. People who are depressed need a good pair of ears and a pair or mouth that will shut tight and sealed our problems inside and not broadcast it to the world. But unfortunately, good ears and silent mouth are extremely hard to come by. The things that I bottled up inside are the kind of things that i would not even share with my best friend. Those kind of mouth and ears are hard to come by, unless of course, you pay for it by seeking professional help.

I would shamelessly admit that I’m mentally disturbed enough and need a trustworthy therapist. I wanted help. I want a safe way out and I do not wish to feel inferior anymore. I do not wish to be one of those who gives up on life because they have issues that they thought could not be solved. But help are expensive and hard to come by in Malaysia. And then comes the stigma that everyone who seeks psychologist are lunatic. I could not afford to do so, because financial restriction is also a tiny part of the issue that drives me into the pit of depression.

Stress and depression is a silent killer. It brings many health problems. It hurts. Very much. At least to me it does. Blood pressure skyrocketed, heart pumps harder and feels painful, and stomach rebelled by not digesting and consequently caused horrendous stomachache and vomiting. Health then will deteriorate terribly. You’ll look sickly and unhappiness will be written clearly on your facial expression.

When you are depressed, it’s not necessarily take suicide to finally end your misery. But terrible state of health would deliver you to the underworld itself in the form of stroke, high blood pressure of even heart attacks. I envy my Western counterparts. Psychologist are cheaper per session and easier to come by, and there’s no such stigma because Westerners are courageous enough to admit that they are human enough to need help and it’s necessary for them to seek professional help.

I was in serious depression back in 2006, 2007 and 2008. Serious as in really serious. Almost suicidal. My life was about to be snipped away back then. I could not get a grip, and I mope about all the time. I lost control of my own life because of the lack of social communication and people who understood me. I feel trapped and lost my purpose in life and it was almost my undoing. I felt that I’m being placed in a small corner by people whom I love and as a result, I shut them out of my life by not disclosing my problems from them and bottles everything inside. I felt that it’s useless telling anyone anyway. They would have not understood and there’s no point in making such effort because I’m convinced that it will not provide me any solution. Things will continue to be the same, so, what’s the point wasting my breath when there is no desirable outcome to my outpouring of emotions?

I am not sure if i finally did recover from depression, because I still feel easily depressed every now and then. And pretty easily too. But I found that DISTRACTION can be a good diversion to stress and depression. Distraction doesn’t have to always be a healthy one, but it can save life. And, as they say, misery loves company. Find someone you trust to share your problems with. That may not do much, but at least some part of it will be lift up from you. And it does help if you could do something about your low self-esteem.

Perhaps I should write another article following this one as a follow up on how one could handle stress. Until next time people, this is getting way too long. My sincerest apology if I bore you out of your skull. And I’d thank you if you share your own experience on stress and depression if you have any.

Cleffairy: Truthfully deep inside, I am a battered person. Sometimes, I think I managed to still be alive because I’m anger motivated and I turn vengeful. I wanted revenge on those who made me miserable.


  1. eugene says:

    I was in depression many years ago untill i could not drive and even the doctor told me there was no cure for me, and even the church member cannot help much,cos they just asked me to look up to God but sadly i could not find him.

    and you are damn right,i had a friend who gave me a pair of listening ears……

    if you need a pair of listening here, drop me a line.

    take care and seriously i know what depression is

  2. chrisau says:

    I think it’s good you see a psychiatrist. DO bear in time even professionals and very ‘normal’ people visited one, so, throw away the age old stigma that’s brought forward from the age old belief that only lunatics required psychiatric help. These are beliefs of non-educated folks back in old days, and should’ve been discarded long long ago. I saw some folks in a psychiatric clinic and they are very normal people. I’m sure medications like prozac and psychotherapy will help you.

  3. jen says:

    sharing with people who really care helps, although some might not be able to help but at least we’ll feel better after pouring our problems out.

  4. Cheeyee says:

    You know, I can’t hold back my tears when I was reading this. It reminded me of what I had been through. Not sure if it can be considered as depression. But i was feeling very down and depressed for a very long period of time. I was very close to commit suicide too, if I had more courage. So instead of commit suicide, I wish to die from accident. Thinking that die is only way to stop me from suffering.

    A good pair of ears who will not judge are so difficult to find. Like you, I was unable to share with anyone. Or maybe I would say I would not want to share with any of my friends. I seeked for professional advice. Not psychiatrist, but counselor. Yes not very cheap. And yet I did not find her advice helpful though. Why? As I don’t think she understand me. So i stopped going there after few sessions.

    For many months I suffered. I could not work. My work performance had dropped. But I had to act like normal while at work. At the end when I was very desperate, I looked for a friend of mine, who I know had similar experience. He’s in Australia. It took me some time to get him. We had a long phone call session. He did not give me solution. But he did give some good advice and points to me.

    I believe people who are in depression, has to come out from depression by themselves. No one can give solution except themselves. I sincerely hope that you would not need to go through another depression in life. I would like to believe that any hurdle in life has its purpose and our life will become better if we can overcome the hurdle. Take care my friend.

  5. Edrei says:

    I’ve suffer from depression since I was 14. Been battling it ever since. The one thing I’ve learned since then was that the things we accomplish, what we’re capable of doing, rests solely on how we’re able to handle the events of right now.

    It just so happens that I don’t have people to talk to. Ever since high school I’ve never had someone to share my thoughts and feelings with, my misery my anger and frustration. All those emotions coupled with my own eccentricity alienates myself more from the world. The more I want to be with people, the more they are out of my grasp.

    So I deal with that, as painful and sad as that sounds, by making do with all the things I’ve done alone. Whatever I have accomplish, whatever I can accomplish, I have done by dealing with it on my own without anyone to comfort or help me.

    Of course that affects my mind even more. I still cut myself and I bear the physical and emotional scars of my own solitary existence. It’s the only way I can stay “sane”. But I know I have accomplished much, and I’ve so very far to go still.

  6. chrisau says:

    psychotropic drugs won’t heal mental illness, but they are very useful in the initial treatment while the patient is undergoing psychotherapy. The patient will gradually cut down on the drug until zero or when necessary.

  7. skullfire says:

    i feel u cleff…

    i was hit by depression and panic attack shit because of substance abuse about 2 years back, fighting mental illness is worst than trying to fight physical pain. I had no choice but to seek professional advice, that is when I went to consult a psychiatrist and took benzo medication for about 1 year. It did help quite a bit there…but still i do feel it come back sometimes when Im stressed and tired. I guess it doesnt just go away that easily.

  8. Avatar says:

    Just came across your blog quite by accident and I am very moved by what you wrote. Depression is not an easy task to deal with and all that thinking … most of the time, it doesn’t seem to resolve anything.

    Your point about distractions is quite true…. Distractions tend to direct one’s mind away from feeling depressed, but somehow like an old friend, it never truly goes away does it? Always at the back of the mind.

    As for me, always… is the question: What is the meaning of my life? Surely to prematurely snuff it out, is to negate my very own existence? It is that something that forces me to carry on and see it through, to the end.

  9. Julie says:

    Hello, I’m very stress out. 28 months ago I got a friend who is very smart and young (18 yeast old at the time today she is 21). she adopted me as her auntie. She was having problems with her rich family and a DJ boy that she met through the internet. Because I’m a nice person I took this girl under my wing and help her through her problems. Her parents are very busy with their business and she is away in College, leaving in campus. I never had a friend b4 in the internet. All my friends are real and person to person contact.
    This girl I noticed was very spoiled, had all the money and toys she wanted, but not love from her parentes. I don’t have kids and I felt she needed help, I did help, for example with boys issued, drinking etc, etc. She always said was very grateful to me for what I had done for her. I went to the city she lives in for holidays and see my family and she did not see me. At the beggining of last year she demanded for me to give her my hotmail password to see if I had a lady on my email or msm that she did not like. I said not at first, she was saying she gave me her password for her hotmail accoutn, I said but your account you oponed for your dj friend, nothing else, on my hotmail I have all important and I had it for years, she got very mad at me and I finally cave in and I gaver her my password, she went in and becasue she did not found anything she sadi that I had time to delete thing while I was telling her I wasn’t going to giver her my password. I was very surprised that she asked me for that password.
    I had noticed that things are not like before, she is not open with me and after she came from a long vacation around the world at the end of Aug this year, I sent an email why she closed the door for me, that I am feeling, she reply backsaid that since that day I didn’t gave her the passwrod in time she closed the door for me, that was over a year ago. I told her that if she closed the door then that is not friendship and thas I was leaving the friendship because the dorr was closed by her. She began writing to me back that she never had a friend like me so nice, that I am like his mommy and bla bla bla.
    I wrote to her a few more emails in the las 8 days since that conversation by email and she haven’t answer any back to me
    I feel even if Im hurt that I have to take care of my self.
    She never call me by phone, I haven’t met her even if she goes around the world and we are very close compared to the places she had gone. She feels confortable only by chatting with me. I had giving her my trust 100%.
    I’m very very hurt, I had spent in the past hundrds and hundreds of hours chatting with this girls and be there for her , last year she was on the middle east and broke her shoulder riding a horse, 5 months on bed, I was the one who encouraged her and lift her up, and many other things that happened to her, and I was always supporting her.
    I feel that a password is not a reason to closed the door like that.
    when I am a friend I am 100% for that friend.. This girl I feel took me for granted and used me. I cried that somebody will do that to me. On the other hand I feel that maybe I deserved this for making friends I don’t know in the internet.
    My husband don’t know what is happening otherwise he will be very mad with me and that is not worth what I am going through. also about the password he will be upset i gave it to her.
    Last night I was very upset that something like this happen to me, I cried a lot last night and today I am exhausted.
    Sorry if you are reading this and see a lot of grammar mistakes, English is my 2nd language and I ‘m not close to master this language., English is a very hard language to learn.
    Please give me your comments and your advise what to do. I feel surprise with myself that a 20 year old girl got me very well.

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