Time may have changed us…

Time is a funny thing. It may change us to the extend we could no longer recognize ourselves, and yet, sometimes, certain things remained the same.

Before I write further, allow me to extend my sincerest apologies to all, as I’ve been pretty busy lately, and I didn’t really have the time to grace your blog with my presence as often as last time. For those who had been concerned and sms-ing me to ask if I’m all right, I’d like to thank you. Thank you very much for caring for me. It truly means a lot to me, and I’m deeply moved by your kind words, and sincere, heart-moving thoughts.

I assure you, I’m fine…just occupied to the max. Busy… for me is good. It makes me feel alive. Remember my entries last year? I sounded rather devastated and was completely frustrated with life, and I was so determined to find happiness and inner peace, no matter what it cost.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing; living my life to the fullest. I’ve been reading the letters I wrote to myself faithfully, and I’m happy to say that my writing therapy did work. Apart from making me feel better and much more alive instead of feeling zombified, the letter to myself made me do crazy things; like waltzing the middle of the night as well as indulging myself with sinfully delicious chocolate cakes when everyone is sleeping.

I feel more and more alive with each passing day. And I realize something important. It’s  one of the biggest key in having inner peace and happiness-all I need to do is be myself, and instead of trying to please others, I please myself first.

I feel happier and definitely much better. This may sound selfish… but then again, if I don’t love myself and take myself seriously, nobody else would. Bottom-line is, I must respect myself first, before I respect others. That’s the way it should be, not the other way around. And I  should never, ever allow anyone to make myself feel inferior. Nobody had the rights to do so, it doesn’t matter who they are.

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier in this entry, time changed people, and yet, certain things remained the same. This is a little bit outdated, but I’d like to write it down regardless, as a reminder, as a memory that I shall soon look back with fondness.

Last week, 27th February 2010, I met two important people in my life. One is a blogger friend whom is dear to my heart, someone who was there for me during one of the darkest time of my life. She was the first to discover that I’ve lost my home in a fire last years, and she’s the only one at that time who was there to help me pull through my depression. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today, writing this, as I would probably cold in my grave. She was there for me when I was almost suicidal.God truly loves me. I may not realized it back then, but He did sent me someone to give me emotional support when I needed it most, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

It’s truly nice to be able to meet with her and her family. Her two kids are absolute darling, especially her little girl. In many ways… her little girl made me feel that I am not so horrible with kids after all. 😛 I met her on borrowed time, though, as I had to meet another important person in my life, and she had to leave as well. I can only pray that I can meet her again next time and bitch with her about life to our heart’s content.

27th February 2010 was also very historic for me, as I finally meet up with my best friend, Pauline, after 8 years of not meeting each other, despite of living in the same country. It is truly, absolutely pathetic that we didn’t manage to meet each other, considering that we’re somewhat partner in crime since God knows when. Sheesh! I can’t believe it! Amazing enough, we’re still best friends or rather, sisters. Yes, indeed, we’re more like sisters than just best friends. 😛

Funny thing about me and Pauline is how we managed to still be best friends despite of not meeting each other all these years. It seems that technology had taken over our lives like nobody’s business. We used to communicate with each other using the land-line almost everyday after school… and when both of us pursue our higher education, we started to use our damn hand phones to communicate with each other. And then, we graduated to MSN messenger, and now… the bloody twitter along with those sms. *SIGH* Thank God for technologies… though we were far apart, we still could keep in touch with each other, regardless of distance.

I am so, so glad that I was right. So damn right that it doesn’t matter where I go, I shall always be her friend. I promised her back then in 1999, that she’d never loose me as a friend, even if she would never get to see me as often. She’d be in my heart, like a brand, forever.

You see… it was after PMR, and Pauline was sitting with me and a few other friends, talking about our future and stuff. You know, the usual pondering school kids does when they had nothing better to do after their examination besides playing monopoly and chess in school.

Out of the sudden, Pauline bawled her head off, getting all emotional about loosing the friendship that she had with me and our two other friend. Two other girls, J&D followed suit and cried at the prospect of not being able to see other other again when we our own ways in the future.

Everyone at the table cried a pail of tears(fine, that’s a little exaggerating)… except for me. No… I didn’t cry. Not even a single tear in my eyes. I remembered it very well. Pauline asked me that time, why I wasn’t even sad the the prospect of not being able to see each other anymore in the future when we finally left school…and everyone present were wondering if I did not appreciate our friendship.

Much to their amusement, I laughed instead. I told them it is silly that they thought we would not remain friends when we won’t be able to see each other everyday anymore. I then assured Pauline that she won’t be able to get rid of me easily, as intend to be friends with her, even when I left school, and not able to see her as often anymore.

And I did just that when I finally left school, and we went separate ways, leading separate lives. I kept in touch with her, with the help of technology. See, Pauline… I kept my words. 😛 I am still your friend, still your partner in crime.

You are never forgotten. You’ll always be in my heart, and even when I’m old and senile, I would still have my blog to remind myself about you. You’re a goner, girl. You got one lizard haunting you and ‘sticking’ with you for the rest of your life. For what it’s worth… I am still conjoined with you as ‘Panda’ would say, and I would still be your shadow as Pn. Aishah would tell us.

After almost 8 years of not meeting each other…we finally met again. And for a moment, I was stunned when I saw Pauline. She reminded me so much of her mother, my teacher. It’s not because she looks as old as my teacher, but because of the way she carries herself. You know, the handbag, make-up and all. My teacher used to carry them too. *sigh* And it doesn’t help it that her hairstyle was almost like my teacher’s. Hers was more sporty and more hip, though. I seriously mistook her as my teacher when I met her last week.

It is weird, to see your best friend who was also your classmate, not in her uniform. LOL… no joke. It definitely feels weird to me, and somehow, I knew Pauline felt the same way about me. She must be thinking of how different I am now. I was no longer the same girl that she knew in school. And I daresay, she must have felt weird that I am not in my school uniform too, only she was probably too polite to express it to me. Oh, well, it can’t be helped. Sometimes I am honest to a fault.

Gone were the girls who wore their long hair in ponytails and don their respective school uniform. Pauline was no longer wearing her blue prefect uniform, and I was no longer wearing the fiery red librarian uniform.

The two girls were replaced by two individual with sporty hairstyle and make up, and another with her girlish summer tube and jeans with no make up on. Pauline must be quite surprised with the dressing of my choice. Back then, I would never wear something so girlish and revealing. It’s funny how time changed us, and how we present ourselves to the world.

Time may have changed us mentally and physically and how we lead our lives, but as we sat down, having our cuppa, I realized, that time could never take one thing away from us; which is friendship, and how we felt about each other. The night of 27th February 2010…somehow, someway, despite of the way we look and the way we have matured, we were still the girls who don their blue and red uniform.

Deep inside, we were still the girls who wears their hair in ponytails. I am more than certain that time could never take our friendship away, and our beliefs in life. All we need to do is, look back when we feel lost, and rediscover the ‘forgotten us’-the girls who lived life to the fullest, honest to themselves, and strive for not only happiness, but for satisfaction in life.

Cleffairy: Don’t you know? When you look at the memories of the past, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be making new memories. Can’t you see? People who forced themselves to forget their past, will eventually forgot who they really are, and who they wanted to be.


  1. Alv0808 says:

    Yup.. I agree with you, people who tend to forget the past will forgot who they really are. I hope I’ll not forget mypass but let go all the frustration. I looking forward to live my life to the fullest and respect myself more. I’m tired of pleasing others..especially those who really dear to my heart… dont want them to break it again..hehehe…

    • Cleffairy says:

      I get what you mean. Sometimes, we tend to try to please our loved ones, but in the end, it hurt us, cuz not everyone will appreciate what we have done for them. We forgot, that we are an individual who are worth respecting and pleasing as well. 🙁 I am sick and tired of trying to please others, especially when i tend to get hurt in the process… so why bother? Before we love and respect others, we have to respect ourselves first. That’s the way it should be. 😀

  2. tuti says:

    i can relate to everything you wrote. it’s uncanny.
    we should grab whatever piece we have left of ourselves before people tear them apart.

    • Cleffairy says:

      The harsh reality and relationship tends to do that to us-take the real us away til we almost couldn’t recognize ourselves. It happened to me too, and that’s something that’s ought to be stopped! No more! Cannot let it happen anymore.

  3. ericlee says:

    this makes me wonder what if i met with my primary school friends back in ipoh..being in KL forover ten years, i always wondered what is it like meeting them back again…for me, my appearance didn’t change much but my maturity level had changed a lot over the years…i read back the friendster blog I had in Form 6 and I seriously sounds like a small kid to me myself…and hard to imagine that it is only 3 years ago…I wouldn’t write the things I wrote nowadays and I couldn’t imagine how i wrote that day…ANYWAY, i would LOVE to find out things about your third eye? can ? can i? can i? can i? please please please…XD

    • Cleffairy says:

      LOL? Maybe it’s time you find out. Seek them out and see if you can meet up with them. LOL…appearance -wise, I dun change that much either. But my dress sense is something unexpected. I changed a lot in that department. Ahahaha…strangely, what I used to say, and used to write, actually made more sense back than than now. Perhaps, my mind wasn’t as disturbed back then. LOL

      The ‘third eye’? Ohhh… maybe I’ll write about it next time, LOL….It’s not something I will usually talk about, because people would think it’s weird or ridiculous. I’ve been ‘seeing things’ as early as 5 years old, and have been ridiculed since then. So I tend to keep it to myself.

      • ericlee says:

        hahah my biggest curiosity to how actually they look like..so how is it anyway? i guess that will strengthen your faith to God in someways as well right? and it’s true enough that many small kids were not taken lightly back then…faced that many may times before..

  4. eugene says:

    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, what can i say? i just happy for you,dont worry if you dont come to my blog as you used to, i will still be hear checking on how things with you… been wanting to call and check on you,but scared you busy, anyway please remember God shall not forsake us nor forget us, ya

  5. Gratitude says:

    So glad things are getting brighter for you. Yup, fully agreed that we need to respect ourselves 1st to be able to gain inner peace. The radiance of a person with inner happiness shows in everything we do. and makes life all that more worth living.

    Btw, sinful slice of choc cake is so wonderful. I do that occasionally; a slice of secret recipe walnut brownie (microwaved 20secs) and a (small) glass of cold milk. Heaven!
    Have a wonderful week ahead ya! ^_^

    • Cleffairy says:

      I had to work on it. It doesn’t come to me naturally. 🙁 You see… God help those who helped themselves. I always believe in this.

      I eat sinful stuff when everyone is sleeping so that i wun have to share. Terrible of me, no? LMAO…

  6. fatty oldman says:

    smts it made me miss the life in schoo which all of our crazy gang united…we were in malay school and number of chinese very few but we manage get a small group of crazy ppl…lol

    • Cleffairy says:

      I miss school a lot too…I was a tomboy… summore can go swimming, dig for ‘remis’ and fishing. Play football with boys in the evening too. I guess everyone is so surprised that I’m more like a woman now. LOL…

  7. Christopher says:

    Forget about the past, Don’t worry about the future but LIVE now! NOW is what you have.
    It’s ok to go back to the past but it’s better to move on with today’s routines. Once when I was in Ipoh, i drove and re-visited the old places I used to go, including my old flat. It was so different now and I can’t imagine I was there before. Things changed and we gotta move on!

  8. kathy says:

    It’s weird really. Sometimes, friends that we haven’t meet for many year and lost touch of can pop-up and we continued on as if nothing had disturb the friendship.

    Very good to have friend like Pauline 😀

    • Cleffairy says:

      I tink, Pauline very cham… why? Cuz she whole life oso cannot get rid of me… I’m old and senile liao still will have my blog to remind me of her! LOL…

  9. Cleffairy says:

    Claire emailed me this cuz her office was firewalled, and she could post comment in my blog.

    Hi Cleff, below is my comment for your post this morning.. when i finished commenting, i only realized that my office pc cannot post up one.. so i quickly copied it up.. haha… hope u dont mind pasting it for me in yr post.. thanks..

    Cleff, my best friend in reality is still my classmate of …how many years, let me count.. i know her since i was 13 and that means…37 years? wow..that long! yes, she and i are still constantly in touch, meaning we still meet during weekends whenever possible, along these years, we had our ups and downs too, we laughed alot, argued all the time, made up many times, (one of us has to be humble) and we went for trips together lots of times…
    what i wanna say is.. distance is not a problem.. most important is the sincere feeling towards one another.. genuine friendship is hard to find..

    • Cleffairy says:

      Yep, genuine friendship is hard to find. Truthfully, I dun have much friends… but there’s a few good ones who remained as my friend through thick and thins. They’re the kind who will lend me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it most.

  10. Cheeyee says:

    Glad you realize that you have to love and respect yourself. And glad it helps to make you feel better. 🙂

    And I’m so envy u still so close with ur best friend from the school… one thing I always feed sad with is… I lost the “closeness” to those called best friends back in secondary school time. We still contact each other once a while nowadays, meet each other at least during CNY every year… but I no longer tell them much about my personal issues etc.

    p/s: Hey friend…. u really know me well, don’t u? 😀

    • Cleffairy says:

      Well, if you don’t respect yourself, no one else would. That’s what I believe these days, especially after the events in 2009. There’s simply no point in respecting others when the feeling is not mutual. You see. I was almost burnt to death. This proves one thing- it doesn’t mean that when you’re young, you won’t die early. So… why respect people who are old, just because one think that they would die before you? Respect are earned, not demanded. That’s the way it should be.

      LOL… I’m close to some of my friends because of technologies, not because of meeting with them often. 😛 I can stay friends with someone, and yet not meet them at all… 😛

      • Cheeyee says:

        You know that I don’t have much happy encounter with most of my school mates back in school time do u? Even though we can talk, we still take concern of each other, but I just not sharing much with them. I learn to protect myself from being hurt again and again. That was not fun at all. As you said, it’s not about meeting, it’s about keeping contact and connect.

        • Cleffairy says:

          *sigh* yea, i do admit that some old friends do not understand you. Especially when they are no longer at the same level as you are. I only have two friends who were my ex classmate whom I can pour my heart out and they wun judge. There rest? Mengarut only!

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