Like Anna or better known as Princess Breanna had said in the earlier entry where she promoted her mummy’s cookies… I am not feeling quite like myself. I’m not really in the mood. I don’t feel like doing anything besides sleeping.
Wow, that’s almost like the sun has come from the West, cuz I don’t really like to sleep! You folks might not know this, but I never did make it a habit to sleep more than 5 hours per day. But these days…I sleep ALOT, almost wishing that I could go on and on sleeping without having to wake up…. so that I won’t have to face the dreadful world fill with… uh… people who lacks paternity knowledge.
By the way, Cikgu… that’s one of the reason why I’m not your first commenter these days… I snore away these days… I also did nothing these days besides reading mushy novels as well as watch stupid, dumb, almost plot-less and poorly directed movies, and I’m somewhat disgusted with myself with my own wallowing behaviour. IÂ hate idleness andÂ lack of productivity, and yet that that’s what I’ve been doing lately. Life without motivation, encouragements and positive vibes really sucks!
Apart from feeling like a dead rat inside, I found myself terribly homesick too. Yea… homesick. I miss my mum and dad, and even my bratty younger sister. I mope about these days. And I wallowed.
Strange. I never actually had a real home when I was living with my parents. We lived like a nomad. From one state to another, and one country to another. I changed school more than I cared to count, and I can’t actually remember how any of my rooms looks like except the one I occupied when I was sixteen.
You see, my dad gets transferred very often. Every 3 years, he’d be transferred once. So I never actually settled down and never actually felt as if I belonged somewhere when I was growing up.
I’m all grown up now. I’ve settled down in one place for 8 years going on 9 years now. But why do I still feel not at home? Why do I still feel like a stranger looking inside from the outside of someone’s door at times? I feel empty…and so disconnected…. and extremely awkward. I feel… empty… and blank…
Out of the sudden… I realized why. Home is not just a roof over our head. Home is where family truly is, and that is exactly why I don’t feel at home during this time of the year. Cuz not everyone treats me as family during this time of the year, and I’d be tossed into a strange world where the only way to survive is through pretense and how good I am in dealing with family politics and strange culture where everyone must live up to their expectations and take their words like a command.
You see… I don’t mean to be shrewed, but I grew up in an environment where my family loves me unconditionally and uphold strong values.
I don’t grow up where my dad smoke or my uncles drinks or my friends gamble.Come to think of it, I hated such people when I was a child. I was taught that smoking is harmful to health and indulging oneself with alcohol is disgusting. Gambling on the other hand, is a path to sin.
I did not exactly grew up with my mum bitching at me at every single thing I’ve done wrong, and I was blessed enough to grow up with a normal pair of parents who honoured their wedding vows and happens to respect each other and love their children unconditionally.
So this is why I always don’t feel at home and extremely cranky during this time of the year. It’s because of during this time of the year, I’d be tossed into the world where people do those things that actually disgust me. It’s a strange world that I could never, ever comprehend or even get used to, no matter how I tried.
Oh, God… how I missed the times where my dad sings this song ‘Every women in the world’Â by Air Supply to me. Sometimes… sometimes… I wish I could stay a little girl forever….sometimes…just sometimes…because my dad never took me for granted…and he loves me for who I am and not judge me for what I’m not… and it is just so nice to see the love in my dad’s eyes for my mum and she held his hand and say thank you for all the things he’s done and given her*cries* T____T *SOBS* *EMO* (Oh, hand me a tissue so that I can blow my nose, please! SOBS)
Cleffairy: God, help me take this world as it is, and not how I want it to be. Give me courage, give me hope, and most of all, give me an air ticket (MAS, economy class, window seat will do just fine, I’m not picky) so that I can fly back ‘home’ and rejuvenate myself after all these dreadful nonsense is over. 😀
ps: I am a woman, ruled by my hormones… if you don’t like it, you can always navigate away. Thank you very much. And if you don’t have anything nice to say to me, kindly buzz off too, I’d really appreciate it.