Suicide Pill?

It’s 2nd September 2008 today. Another historic date in Malaysia history. This very date, in 1998, Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim was fired by our former Prime Minister, Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad. Well, a lot of you may recognize this date as a date that starts all sort of ‘reformation’ in Malaysia…but this date have another meaning for me. 24 years ago, my mother gave birth to a tiny and gooey baby girl, which happened to be me. Haha. That’s right, today is my birthday, and so today’s post is dedicated to my parents for bringing me to this world and raising me with unconditional love and care. Thank you mom and dad. You guys are the pillar of my life.

Hmm, enough of the birthday stuff, today I want to talk about suicide.

Okay, okay, I know it’s not auspicious to talk about death or suicide on my birthday, but I’m going to do it anyway, because my best friend who obviously have a sick sense of humour emailed me the picture below a week ago when I happened to complain to her that I am pretty depressed with work and all.



With a friend like this, who need an enemy? Well, I’m just kidding about that. Actually her emailed cheered me up, not because I finally found an ultimate solution to my mundane problems, but because she actually reminded me that any life is better than one death. And no matter what, killing oneself is not a solution to any problems. She, of all people, knew very well that I appreciate life, as I practically grow up as sickly, which means hospital in and out for me. I know what it’s like to struggle to stay alive. Being sick makes me appreciate life better, knowing that life is very short, and one should live life to the fullest, and never resort to suicide no matter what happened.

A few years ago, when I was a rookie journalist, I was told to do a coverage for a suicide case. It was a hell of a case. I had thought the creeps up there would give me a milder case to cover for since it’s my first week at work. Boy, I was dead wrong. I was really really wrong. Work as a journalist is not always pretty and sunny as the news journalists needs to cover for are not always good news.

That particular case involved a nasty suicide case where a young girl jumped down from a building to end her life because she was dumped by her boyfriend. She was around 17 years old, if I recalled it correctly. When I say nasty, I really meant it. It was really bloody and I was traumatized for a few days after covering for the news .

I arrived at the scene before the police and the ambulance arrived, and so I managed to catch a glimpse of her dead body as the spectators at the scene busied themselves trying to cover her dead body with some newspaper that they obviously bought from the nearby 7-11 store. As my accompanying partner, a photographer clicked on his SLR camera to get shots of the girl’s dead body, I stood there and watched her dead body and the people around me. I was speechless, seeing the scene before me.

It was not a pretty scene, and her dead body did not look as serene and peaceful as other dead bodies that died out of sickness or accidents that I’m used to seeing in funerals that I attended. Her face seems to contorted in pain.

The dead body of the girl was pooled with blood that originates from many part of her body, mainly her head. Her hand and legs seems to be broken, as the position of her hand and legs was quite awkward. The faint scent of blood resembling the smell of iron pollute the air around her.Her skull was broken and punctured, and as I stepped forward a little to get a better view of her dead body, I saw some whitish little meat splattered around her head. I tried to compute on what the whitish thing could be. After a while, my eyes went round as I realized that the whitish meat around her head was actually her brain oozing out of her punctured skull! Almost immediately I felt sick and the urge to throw up overcome me. I rushed away from the scene and threw up the content of my dinner down the drain nearby.

The photographer who was accompanying me at the moment happened to finished snapping the pictures, and walked to me as he handed me some tissue to wipe my mouth with as he pat my back to comfort me. He was sympathizing me for my condition. I still remembered what he said to me. His exact words was ” Don’t worry. This is your first case. You’ll get used to these kind of things.”

He was wrong. I NEVER got used to seeing dead bodies of people who committed suicide though I covered the cases after that much better than my first suicide coverage. I stopped vomiting at the sights of dead bodies a few case after that, but I never got used to the feeling that I got each time I handled those case similar to this. I felt as if there’s a certain existence that emit from the dead body.

Usually it felt really cold and I’ll get goosebumps. It’s as if the existence was a piece of glass that has been shattered, and tried as hard as it could to get back together. I could sense confusion and excruciating pain coming from that ‘existence’. I can’t explain how I felt when I sense all these, as it’s an indescribable feeling. I’m used to ‘seeing’ things in funeral and during Hungry Ghost festival, but nothing beats the things that I sense when I see such dead body. It’s as if the dead is reaching out for your help, and yet, there’s nothing you can do to ease their suffering.

I can never understand why someone could be so daring to commit suicide. To me, suicide is not only a form of murder, but it’s also an unredeemable sin in the eyes of most religion that I know of. I always believed that we’re born into this world for a reason, and with this reason alone, we should appreciate our life. And no matter what it is that cause you to feel suicidal, there’s always a way out.

As an example, in Malaysia, if you feel that the whole world has abandoned you, and you simply has lost faith to to keep on living, there’s always someone who is willing to offer you some comfort and advice. They are the BEFRIENDERS.



The befrienders will listen to whatever your problem is, and ensure anonymity and confidentiality of your problems. And whatever your problems is, they will treat your stories with respect. So whatever problem that caused you to feel like ending your life, please don’t. There are people out there who are willing to listen to you. So before you people who are feeling suicidal jumps off a building or gulped down a bottle of sleeping pill, call the Befrienders first. They might be able to pull you out of your problems.

Cleffairy: Life is precious. Live life to the fullest.


  1. says:

    I was a student reporter, and i was showed some suicide photos from the reporters. Those who jumped down from buildings had the worse looks after suicide, esp those who fell on their heads. I was 16 that time, and was kinda traumatized for weeks.

    If only we could show the photos who tempt to suicide. It’s really scary. And am sure, it will definitely scatter the hearts of those who love and care about us.

    Anything, forget about the scary things, and think of the happy moments. It’s your birthday! =) Happy birthday my dear!!

  2. cleffairy says:

    Lz, whoa, you too? But at least you didn’t see them ‘live’. i know what it’s like…seeing such gory things. i was traumatized for almost one week, not being able to eat anything that’s red or meaty. I end up a vegetarian for two weeks before I can eat meat again after that particular case I covered.

    LOL… yeah, if only we could show those photos to those who are feeling suicidal, it’ll probably change their minds. But then, those photos are usually confidential. 🙁

    Thank you for the bday wishes… I feel so old. Haha. Anyway, I can’t possibly forget that bloody case, cuz it happened on my bday a few years ago. LOL. Thank god I’m over the trauma though. 😛

  3. cleffairy says:

    LoL…lazy to go out lah, Pete. Summore he’s working his butt off to feed a certain pig tonight. Haha. Unless he’s dragging me out for some bday dinner, I plan to call pizza hut and shake my legs in front of the TV! I’m off today….muahahha….oh, life as a pig is really a bliss lah! If only there’s someone to massage my back… and my legs…I can go on dreaming lah! Anyway, thank you for the bday wishes, Pete… my family kinda weird…my dad bday in July, mom’s in August, mine in Sept. My dad used to joke tht everytime this time of year arrived, his pocket would go dry!


  4. ktx says:

    hey babe, happy bday there!!!! and many happy returns of the day yeah? what r u gonna belanja me?? lol. lol. cheapskate hor? lol.

    emm, but it’s good of u to propagade the message of life in conjunction to yr bday. it’s a good thing. yeah, my recent trip was also very morbid, which dealt with death, the dead and the place of the but it’s a good perspective.

  5. cleffairy says:

    LOL… ktx… ty for the bday wishes. How come your recent trip was morbid? Where did you go for your vocation? Don’t tell me you go and visit the pyramid? Ahh, yeahhh, mummies alive! 😛

    Pete…lol…where got massage la, he was working yesterday, come back oso damn late liao. I spent my bday over a pizza, shaking my legs over the tv. Eh, actually ordering pizza online is a lot cheaper than over there phone. Pizza hut there buy one free one oso… omg I’m still on my pig mode lah… 😛

  6. KevinP says:

    gosh.. when I saw the pill… I thought it was to “enhance” some night time performance issue like the blue pill…

    hehe.. pete… cleffy’s birthday rub? hmmm… care to share clef?

  7. cleffairy says:

    Kevin…no lah,not viagra lah! Birthday rub? I wish lorrr! It’s been quite a busy day for my hubby yesterday, and since I was on leave and die die oso refused to go to work or see any nincampoops yesterday, i only haunt the house and shake my legs with large Super supreme pizza…still got leftovers of pizzas in da frige… it happened to be my breakfast…. maybe will go out for dinner some other time when most of my family and friends are free. Ohh pizza for breakfast…. ah, the joy of skinny ppl! you know, they should make pizza hut 24/7 lah…why the heck kfc and mcd open for 24hrs and not pizzahut? Darn!


  8. peteformation says:

    Bought the Jaya Jusco bakery pizza for just RM4.50 during weekend. Real big piece square around 10″X6″. Cheap and nicer than pizza hut one!

    Kevin, blue pill outdated already larr, metal nut is the in thing! ha ha LOL

  9. u-jean says:

    gross. my level of tolerance of this gooey stuff even lower than yours. I can’t even watch a chicken being slaughtered. Eeeee…
    All I can say in response to this post is to ask you to watch “Mar Adentro”. Then you will question whether life is a choice or an obligation. But definitely an impulsive decision is not a good reason for death.

    Happy belated birthday!

  10. KevinP says:

    eeeeee… pete… me outdated.. I think so lar.. hehehe.. coz the name is fukitol… it was like a pil one can take and fuk all in his/its way… mana tau la.. suicide pulak…

  11. cleffairy says:

    Pete… omg, Jaya Jusco bakery pizza for just Rm4.50? You sure it’s really nice? What cheese did they use? What topping arr? Maybe I wanna go check it out (yalah, I know la, I’m cheapo!). Aiyoo, blue pill, blue pill… that blue pill can caused heart attack you know… that’s why they use metal nut. LMAO…metal nut very cheap and easy to use…granted, your banana dun err…grow big…den make the banana pain becoz of stuck… whahahaha…

    U-jean, when i was 7 years old, I watched chicken being slaughtered by my granduncle. I din even puke and still can eat the chicken after that. But watching a gooey dead body with brain meat being scattered around is reallly out of league. Too dahsyat for me back then. Now okay liao… got used to watching, but not used to the eerie feelings I get each time I witness it.

    Kevin, yalah! You outdated liao la! People dun use the blue pill to make the banana grow longer and stay fresh longer to satisfy the partner liao. People use er… a metal nut. Hahaha… Kevin…if you ever feel the need to use the nut, please use with caution…. bahaya ooo…. later nid to go hospital to err…chainsaw it out! AAhahaha… anyway, size duzzin matter wan lah… what the hell are those stupid men thinking? The size duzzin matter, it’s how you use da banana! Go au naturel, people! LOL… but honestly, when i saw the picture in my email… i tot it’s for fucking all night long too…but see properly, it’s suicide pill. LOL.

  12. cleffairy says:

    Aiya, forget to reply to Maicel. 😀

    Thank you for visiting my site and commenting over here, Maicel…thank you for the birthday wishes. Actually I posted on suicide because it happened on the same day as my birthday a few years ago….hahaha…I can never forget, cuz it reminds me to appreciate life.

    And yeah, you can expect me to lurk around in your site every now and then. i like the life&cancer post, especially. I guess, what can kill you, will make you stronger really applies to that particular story you shared with the readers. 😛

  13. amoker says:

    Dominos is muchie better. Try the spicy pizza with anchovies, thin crust. To die for.

    Anyway Fairy, happy belated birthday. I just saw postings of people whom obviously know more about you. Please keep the details of the rub to yourself.. haha

    I think it is the job of news photographer to show photos / tell stories of suicides. I chatted a Star reporter who went trhu the motion of describing a person who was crushed by a lift. Something like they wear as a badge of honour.

    It is tough working with people of suicidical tendency. Always on the edge.

  14. cleffairy says:

    Pete…if that’s the case, i think I’ll just try your recipe…the roti arab pizza. LOL…cuz the Jusco at my place, the pizza topping looks pretty dry. 🙁

    Amoker Domino better meh? I never try domino before. If I’m not mistaken, my area have no domino’s coverage. A friend told me that domino’s thin crust tasted like biscuit. But I hv no chance of trying…:-(

    Thank you for the bday wishes… rub? What rub? LOl… they’re just joking la…I spent my bday moping in front of the tv, nothing to boast about.

    Thank god those times are over. Now I’m in a better position, hardly have to do any field work involving these things anymore. Anyway, if I’m not afraid of death, i think I might be suicidal as well… LOL…life’s such a bitch!

  15. cleffairy says:

    Whoa! Seng, your somment same time as jie, jie missed it! This pill where got sell la, cheat wan la. Dunno who so free go and make this pill picture.

  16. Uncle Lee says:

    Hi, Many happy returns of the day to you.
    Read your this very eloquent posting and couldn’t help smiling re the mentioned of ‘suicide’, ha ha.

    Live your life with no excuses, love with no regrets. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round…enjoy life.
    This is not a dress rehearsal.
    Happy birthday, good wishes for many more to come, and hold that smile. Lee.

  17. cleffairy says:

    Hihi…uncle Lee…thank you for visiting and for the birthday wishes. you’re right, we only get to live once, unlike a dress rehearsal. 😀

    Anyway, your url was, isn’t it? I think it was too long to be displayed correctly. Sorry for that. I’ll just type it out so that you can share your blog with us over here. 😀

    Expect me to lurk in your blog soon too. Nice pics you have there.

  18. Kaneez says:

    I just want to add that we should appreciate life and see its beauty because and if we don’t understand and appreciate life, then we should visit sick people and she how they are strugging to live and are desperate to get well so they could live a healthy life and enjoy it too..

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