The hardest part of death

As of late, I’ve been reading blog entries about blogger’s friends or relative dealing with death or sickness. These bloggers are people who I mingle around with in blogsphere. They’re Kevin, Calvin and Pete. The three of them has posted something about their family or friend being in hospital. It was not unpleasant to read their article but reading their article gives me a hard knock on my thick skull nevertheless.

I wanted to write something about it, but I feel that it’s quite hard for me to do so, because so many terrifying thoughts appear in my mind as I try to write about dealing with the death of someone we love. Please do not misunderstood my writing. I do not wish for their family or friend’s death. It’s just their entries really got me thinking and insipired me to write about this.

Their entries reminds me that life is indeed short, and we should live it to the fullest with gratitude towards God for what he he had blessed us with, not grumbling about our dissatisfaction every damn day. However, being grateful and contented with whatever we posessed at the moment is easier said than done. I have to be honest, even I have problems doing so.

I am not the most grateful person on the face of the earth. I grumbled everyday, not to mention I get irritated and not satisfied with what I have easily. I’m not the easiest person to please. In certain areas, my standard and expectation is quite high. It seems that whatever that I have today is not enough, and never will be. I am fully aware that I’m not the only one who feels that way. I bet there are some out there who felt the same way.

But I know that God loves me as I’ve been blessed from experiencing the grief and horror of waiting on relative who are very ill or waiting for death to take them away on their deathbed. Even though there are relative who passed away before, but I was spared the sight of watching them struggle for their last breath and slowly fade away in death. I was spared the agony of watching their deathly facial expression or the sound of their gasps stuck in their throat as death snatched them away.

I’m lucky enough so far for not having to hold someone’s hand only to have it slipped away as they were dying. Yes, I am indeed lucky, but as I grow older, I wonder, how long will I be spared from the agony and angst of loosing someone I hold dear or listening with my very own ears the certification of their death by the doctor?

So far I’ve only been told of certain relatives death via phone calls, as I was not present during the time that they passed away, but I wonder if I will be the one who sit by the deathbed of someone whom I really love in the future? If God permit me to live a long life, I am quite certain that I will not be spared from watching someone from dying each time. There might be one miserable day I will have to watch someone I love die with my own two eyes.

I really dare not think about it, because I am more than sure that the pain of watching someone I love, be it my parents, my siblings, my children or my spouse will be extremely excruciating for me to endure. I really could not imagine watching them die loosing any of them before my very eyes. I am truly convinced that I will be in great grief and traumatized after watching them die.

Personally, I would rather die at the same time as them, or I die before them, but of course, the timing of my death is not for me to decide, because I never believed in suicide. God brings me to the face of the earth for a reason, and I appreciate it too much to end my life, even when I’m grief stricken. I just can pray with desperation that I will be able to face the death that God put me through when the time comes. I just can pray that I will not loose faith.

Thinking that I could not bear to see or even hear the death of someone I love makes me think of another matter, which is the hardest part of death. As I thought and imagine about the death of people that I love, slowly come to a realization that the hardest part of death is actually not watching them pass on, but letting them go is the hardest part.

When someone we love die, we’re surely to be grief stricken and tend to be in denial. But why are we grief stricken and devastated when someone we love passed away when deep inside, we know that they are in a better place? It’s actually because we refused to believe that they are actually leaving us, and we will never be able to see them again.

Regret for not being able to spend quality time with them or not being able to repay their good deeds or love towards us will overwhelm us as we watch them fade away from us. We simply refuse to believe that they are passing away. As normal human being who always seems to be in control of things most of the time, we feel completely helpless and at the mercy of the higher being in the time such as this, and we definitely don’t like it. Human hates to loose control and feel dependent on other being that is more powerful than us.

As we deal with the sickness and death of someone we love, slowly, gradually time would heal us and sooner or later, we will get used to the idea of not being able to see the people that had passed on anymore. The people who passed on would soon live in our memories, and we forced ourselves to believe that they are not ‘dead’ as long as we remember them. Unfortunately the process of ‘healing’ definitely take some time, and I wonder how people deal with it? I don’t know how to deal with it. . I hope that I do not have to find out, but somehow, I know that it’s not quite possible, because obviously living things would not live forever. I hope you guys can share with me on how to deal with this kind of situation.

Nothing on the face of the earth have eternal life. I wonder on how we’re supposed to cope when were are still healing? I definitely have no absolute answer on how to deal or cope with the death of someone I love, but I pray that when the time comes, God will help me through with it, because I will be clinging to Him with desperation if I were to be put in such situation. In the meantime, I’ll just try to cherish and treasure the ones that I love before they are taken away from me.

Cleffairy: Nothing last forever. Human will face death, strong civilization will fall, and people who have powers won’t be powerful forever, because there will always be people who are smarter and powerful than them.


  1. eugene says:

    i guess we must learn about dealth as we learn about life itself, used to be scared of dealth, for i didnt know where i would end up upon demise. and may be myths and childhood’s tales had scared us of firely inferno of hell and how we will be tortured to dealth in hell.

    hey by the way, if you dont mind, i have added you, if you feel otherwise do let me know , ya?

  2. fergie says:

    What you wrote is the absolute truth, Clef. We have to learn to let go .. whether of material things or loved ones. I saw my father suffering end stages of cancer (he was 52 when he died) and tho I loved him dearly it was awful seeing him suffer. He didn’t tell me the pain he was in but I found a little diary after his death and in it he recorded all he went thru from the beginning. He did not believe in God til he was ill then he accepted God. I am still uncertain but I do believe in karma 🙂

  3. peteformation says:

    Everything in live is not certain but death is certain. It is always very painful to let go of loved ones but we have to face reality and move on. At the moment I am happy to have so many good friends like you in the cyberspace, and I cherish every moment of it. Live life to the fullest!

  4. cleffairy says:

    Eugene, I’m afraid i am still learning about death. I’m not so afraid about burning in hell, but I am quite afraid of the grief that i will go thru if I were to loose someone I love. I have no idea why I felt that wat. Maybe I’m quite skeptical about where I will end up after death that what I have to deal in life matters so much? I dunno. LOL. Ohh, Eugene, thank you for adding me. 😀 That’s so nice of you. Of course i dun mine.

    … I hope you feel better now. The flu is gone? Or still sneezing around? Yeah, i know that sometimes things are beyond our control, and we have to learn to accept things as it is and learn to let go, but den again, when the time comes and requires me to do do, I am really not sure if I’m strong enough. I’m selfish. I want people that I love to myself…I’m not even willing to loose them to death, but I also dun want to see them suffer… *sigh* see… I am one greedy person. 🙁

    Pete, you’re right, everything in life is not certain but death will definitely come to you without fail. 🙁 If only it’s easy for me to let go of things sometimes. 😀 Eh, how’s your mom ah? Her eyes okay oredi ar?

  5. calvin says:

    wah…..our post this week all very emo.

    all comments are rite. life is short, too short for us to do what we want to do before we pass on. so instead of doing something for myself, why not do something for others. so, rach and i will be hopping from one child care centre to another, and old folks home to see what we can do each week for them. i wont be able to sponsor huge sums of money, but id be glad to help out with the kitchen or even talking with them.

    ive thought of doing it by myself, but we should do it as a couple. i believe our relationship would be much, much closer….especially in our walk with God.

    but being a christian, we should not be afraid of death because Christ conquered death by sacrificing Himself on the cross. im not afraid of death but im only worried of my loved ones, left behind. especially if rachel is all alone…..going thru life alone is very very challenging. that’s why, we are constantly praying to God to strenghten us and give us wisdom day by day. i believe all religion in a way wants us to be closer to the creator.

  6. cleffairy says:

    Pete, good, good to know your mom is recovering already. Must be all the food that you feed her that contributes to her fast recovery. 😀

    Garfield, unfortunately, not all of our contributions are appreciated, but we must do whatever we can so that once we die, we won’t be easily forgotten. If I were to die, I would like to leave a legacy, not just some memory that will fade away just after months of my death.

    Calvin, yealorrr… this week everyone is emo-ing. Haizz. Life is short, and we always hear people telling us to do what we want, because we only live once, but like you, I think doing things for other people is more meaningful than doing things for ourselves. Once we die, at least people won’t forget us easily. We will be missed dearly. Wow, you and Rachel are going to hop to one child centre to another? That’s so nice to hear. I believe, by doing good deeds like that it can strengthen your relationship as a couple too. Actually, when you contribute to orphanage or something, it’s not always money that should be given out. For me, I have not much $$ to offer for people in need, Because I’m struggling to make ends meet, and each month, there’s always some bloody thing came out, needing me to spend $$ on it. Eg, my junk car gives problems, phone bills skyrocketed, etc. LOL. So most of the time, it’s my knowledge that I offer to those children in the orphanage that I volunteered. But, of course, teaching children who lost so much at an early age can be very challenging.
    Actually, more or less, I feel like you. i know that death is inevitable, and not a single living being on this earth will be spared from death. However, it’s not death that I fear. I have been put to near death experience several times when i was growing up. It’s the people that will be left behind that I’m worried about. Leaving back then could have been easier because I was still a teenager who’s yet to learn to really love what this world have to offer as well as the existence of my other half. Now, it would be very hard. 🙁 I too, would not like to live my life alone. I don’t think I could bear it.

  7. Vern says:

    I think the hardest part of death, is having to say goodbye over and over again each time you’re reminded of their absence. Just one unanswered phone call can bring you down to the harshest grounds of the earth.

    It’s not about getting over the loss of a loved one, it’s learning to live with it.

  8. cleffairy says:

    I think so too. Having to say goodbye and mourn over the loss of someone we love is one thing. Getting used to them and moving on and lead our life without them is another thing.

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