As of late, I’ve been reading blog entries about blogger’s friends or relative dealing with death or sickness. These bloggers are people who I mingle around with in blogsphere. They’re Kevin, Calvin and Pete. The three of them has posted something about their family or friend being in hospital. It was not unpleasant to read their article but reading their article gives me a hard knock on my thick skull nevertheless.
I wanted to write something about it, but I feel that it’s quite hard for me to do so, because so many terrifying thoughts appear in my mind as I try to write about dealing with the death of someone we love. Please do not misunderstood my writing. I do not wish for their family or friend’s death. It’s just their entries really got me thinking and insipired me to write about this.
Their entries reminds me that life is indeed short, and we should live it to the fullest with gratitude towards God for what he he had blessed us with, not grumbling about our dissatisfaction every damn day. However, being grateful and contented with whatever we posessed at the moment is easier said than done. I have to be honest, even I have problems doing so.
I am not the most grateful person on the face of the earth. I grumbled everyday, not to mention I get irritated and not satisfied with what I have easily. I’m not the easiest person to please. In certain areas, my standard and expectation is quite high. It seems that whatever that I have today is not enough, and never will be. I am fully aware that I’m not the only one who feels that way. I bet there are some out there who felt the same way.
But I know that God loves me as I’ve been blessed from experiencing the grief and horror of waiting on relative who are very ill or waiting for death to take them away on their deathbed. Even though there are relative who passed away before, but I was spared the sight of watching them struggle for their last breath and slowly fade away in death. I was spared the agony of watching their deathly facial expression or the sound of their gasps stuck in their throat as death snatched them away.
I’m lucky enough so far for not having to hold someone’s hand only to have it slipped away as they were dying. Yes, I am indeed lucky, but as I grow older, I wonder, how long will I be spared from the agony and angst of loosing someone I hold dear or listening with my very own ears the certification of their death by the doctor?
So far I’ve only been told of certain relatives death via phone calls, as I was not present during the time that they passed away, but I wonder if I will be the one who sit by the deathbed of someone whom I really love in the future? If God permit me to live a long life, I am quite certain that I will not be spared from watching someone from dying each time. There might be one miserable day I will have to watch someone I love die with my own two eyes.
I really dare not think about it, because I am more than sure that the pain of watching someone I love, be it my parents, my siblings, my children or my spouse will be extremely excruciating for me to endure. I really could not imagine watching them die loosing any of them before my very eyes. I am truly convinced that I will be in great grief and traumatized after watching them die.
Personally, I would rather die at the same time as them, or I die before them, but of course, the timing of my death is not for me to decide, because I never believed in suicide. God brings me to the face of the earth for a reason, and I appreciate it too much to end my life, even when I’m grief stricken. I just can pray with desperation that I will be able to face the death that God put me through when the time comes. I just can pray that I will not loose faith.
Thinking that I could not bear to see or even hear the death of someone I love makes me think of another matter, which is the hardest part of death. As I thought and imagine about the death of people that I love, slowly come to a realization that the hardest part of death is actually not watching them pass on, but letting them go is the hardest part.
When someone we love die, we’re surely to be grief stricken and tend to be in denial. But why are we grief stricken and devastated when someone we love passed away when deep inside, we know that they are in a better place? It’s actually because we refused to believe that they are actually leaving us, and we will never be able to see them again.
Regret for not being able to spend quality time with them or not being able to repay their good deeds or love towards us will overwhelm us as we watch them fade away from us. We simply refuse to believe that they are passing away. As normal human being who always seems to be in control of things most of the time, we feel completely helpless and at the mercy of the higher being in the time such as this, and we definitely don’t like it. Human hates to loose control and feel dependent on other being that is more powerful than us.
As we deal with the sickness and death of someone we love, slowly, gradually time would heal us and sooner or later, we will get used to the idea of not being able to see the people that had passed on anymore. The people who passed on would soon live in our memories, and we forced ourselves to believe that they are not ‘dead’ as long as we remember them. Unfortunately the process of ‘healing’ definitely take some time, and I wonder how people deal with it? I don’t know how to deal with it. . I hope that I do not have to find out, but somehow, I know that it’s not quite possible, because obviously living things would not live forever. I hope you guys can share with me on how to deal with this kind of situation.
Nothing on the face of the earth have eternal life. I wonder on how we’re supposed to cope when were are still healing? I definitely have no absolute answer on how to deal or cope with the death of someone I love, but I pray that when the time comes, God will help me through with it, because I will be clinging to Him with desperation if I were to be put in such situation. In the meantime, I’ll just try to cherish and treasure the ones that I love before they are taken away from me.
Cleffairy: Nothing last forever. Human will face death, strong civilization will fall, and people who have powers won’t be powerful forever, because there will always be people who are smarter and powerful than them.