I changed so much over the years since I finished high school. I dare to bet that my high school friends can tell me to my face that they do not know me anymore. From a sweet, forgiving, naive girl who can easily tolerate anyone around her, I become a witch who is ill tempered and have distrust on everyone who crossed my path. It takes so little to anger me. It takes so less to displease and to hold grudges against others. Resentments bottles up, and I doubt anyone can do anything about it to make it go away.
Those changes are not good, I know, but I can’t help it. My environment shaped me into what I am today. And I can’t honestly say that my environment after I left home is all good and positive. My parents sheltered me. I used to have a perfect happy family. I was a daughter. An apple to my parents’ eyes.
But I learn that not everyone have good parents like mine who protects me from the dangers outside, and eventually, I discovered that I’m stuck with people whose background is not as good as mine, and if I want to stick around with them, I’ll have to change to adapt. I did not want to change. But then again, I have to. To survive.
Fiend and friends alike analyzed me. Both parties said the same thing. Both agrees that I became a bitter person because I have been hurt. A year ago, if one told me that, I would adamantly deny their allegations. But today, as much as I refuse to admit that I have been somehow hurt in some ways, I have too, because I am not that happy with myself, with what I am today. This is not what I envisioned myself to be 10 years ago.
10 years ago, I was full of dreams and hope, but today, nothing seems to go right. I am not what I had hoped myself to be when I was younger. It never crossed my mind that I will be a failure in many ways. Yes, that is what I am. A failure. A big one at that. I have disappoint my younger self. And nothing can change that, unless I start to put myself first before others. And start to love myself first before I love others. The fire made me see that. Somehow, I am glad it happened as it seems to burn away things so that I could see clearer.
I know I’m fooling around with my own doom when I give up my own hopes and dreams in order to help others achieve theirs. But then again, why am I still doing it? Because I have to? Because I have no choice? Because I am forced to do so? No. It’s because somehow, a part of that innocent, selfless girl who used to be me still haven’t completely die. She’s still there, somewhere, waiting to emerge once again, but have been successfully suppressed by her environment.
This will be a weird entry, but I need to do this in order to understand myself again, because sometimes, when I woke up in the morning or looked into the mirror, I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore. I changed too much.
What can I do to be that sweet girl again? I don’t have any answer for that. I feel that I’ve changed too much and it is too late for me to turn back. But perhaps, being happy is a good start. And loving myself first before loving others would make me feel more at ease with myself and stop myself from holding grudges with other people. I don’t know what I should do to make me feel more confident and comfortable with myself, cuz it’s been destroyed for so long.
I can only say one thing to all of you though, before you become like me, turning into someone you cannot even recognize in the mirror; Love yourself first before you love others. Do something to make yourself happy, because unhappiness can destroy so many things. And instead of following what other people tell you to do because they thought it is right for you, follow your heart and your instinct. That, my blogger friends, could at least preserve the good part of you and prevent yourself from turning into such an ill-tempered witch like me.
Cleffairy: If I love myself a little bit more, it does not mean I love you less.