It’s been a very educational year…

It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.

2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.

JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.

FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.

MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.

APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.

MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.

JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.

JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.

AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.

SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.

OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.

NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.

November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.

DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.

I learned that God  actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.

I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.

He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn andrusland dating to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.

God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.

Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)

Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t  ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.

ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!


  1. claire says:

    Cleffairy, firstly wanna thank u for changing to a larger font.. wanted to tell u earlier but kept forgetting.. at least now i dont have to glue my face near the screen to read,(like those days) phew!!
    2ndly, i am happy to read that u r coming to terms with life more in december, just live day by day, be thankful no matter how good or bad the day is, as stp said, take them as challenges in life and God will lead us through it all. He wont let us endure more than what we can bear… remember that.. so what happens today, tomorrow, we are up to it! about assholes, (sorry) there wont be any if we dont think of them that way! hahahaa… ok, going for my cuppa of tea now.. may i??

    • Cleffairy says:

      =.= I changed my fonts very long oredi worr… since you say hard to read. LMAO…actually myself oso feel hard to read. there’s something wrong with this stupid template lerr…and I would have changed the fonts in my comment section also if I could, but looks like cannot. LOL… so everyday i have to go near to the monitor to see properly what ppl say before reply. Wait read wrong again. Ahahahaha….

      Well, Claire…you all may not know this, but I felt that you’re all Godsent lerr…each and every one of you taught me lessons that I could not learn outside. Feel like really learn alot, and can see that kindness knows no bound. Strange hor? I think God also got use internet leh… He knows I’m a computer junkie, so send me message liddat lorr. LOL…

    • Cleffairy says:

      Happy New Year to you and your family too, Cikgu. Hope you will spend more quality time with Melissa before she fly off. I pray that you’ll have smooth sailing in 2010 too. =D

    • Cleffairy says:

      *blush* (malu liao… actually each and every one of you are Godsent…) LOL… Happy New Year Manglish. Yes, indeed, life is not so bad after all. Any life is better than one death, is it not? 😀 Maybe you should post up some entries bout how they celebrate New Year in Japan. I heard it’s a big thing for Japs. 😀

  2. eugene says:

    que Cleffy,Cleffy.. whatever wil be, will be, if you feel down and weary, please remember you’ll always have ME.

    Winter,Spring,Summer or Fall,all you got to do is call,,and you know i will be there,,,,,,,,,you got a friend.

    You know something, i really wish i could see you now and give you a hug of friendship and telling you that i care,like the rest of the guys do and most importantly of all God cares……..

    You are one of the best things happened to me in my blogging life.

    • Cleffairy says:

      Thank God for blogging, Eugene… lol…*hugs* here’s just to let you know that you can also abuse my phone, email, sms and whatnot…I’ll be an ear whan you need it too. 😀

      Happy New Year to you and your loved ones, let’s pray that next year will be better for not only you and me, but for everyone too.

  3. Christopher says:

    Happy New Year 2010 and stay positive and happy the year through. I always believe when you feel good yourself, the outside influence may not be that bad afterall. So, always try to work to feel good. One of my ways is to exercise and sleep well. I do feel moody at times but I find that when I feel good, lots of things can be accomplished!

    • Cleffairy says:

      I try to be positive ler, Chris… that’s why I killed alot of people in my novel. 9u dun wanna know about it)

      Exercise is out of my league… I have weak lungs, and yet to try to sleep well…. ahahaha…

      Anyway, Happy New Year to u and family. Hug your boy and kiss ur baby for me, k?

  4. Merryn says:

    Cleffairy, screw those ppl who dont want you to be happy lah eh? Let’s bury all the unhappiness of 2009 and start afresh in 2010.. lol.. if only so easy lah! But then again.. we are always here for ya and no matter what.. blogging rules 😀

    • Cleffairy says:

      Actually, I rather go screw something more exciting. *cheeky grinz* Ask them to screw themselves, better, hor?

      It’s easier said than done… but we can try our best, Merryn. Hoyeahhhh… Happy 2010 to you and boy boy Ethan…hope you’ll be a tougher Submerryn with upgraded periscope and radar! 😀

  5. Gratitude says:

    Hey, my 1st time in your blog via Eugene’s. Pretty impressed as to how you tracked your life with much detail all this while. It juz goes to show awareness which is a really good thing.Gratitude of good experiences and useful lessons learnt from the bad ones are crucial to moving on forward.

    Thanks for sharing. It juz made me even more aware of myself. 🙂

    Have a wonderful and Blessed 2010. Please do take care ^_^

    • Cleffairy says:

      =.= Thank you for visiting, Gratitude. I was wondering how you dropped by… so it’s Eugene’s doing. LOL…

      It’s been a tough and eventful year for me, so I can easily remembers things. Anyway, thanks for visiting, and happy 2010 to you and your loved ones. Hope it’ll be better for you in 2010 too.

  6. CHVoon says:

    mmm… i am not very sure what really happen to u.

    As alot of bloggers said: forget the pass and start a fresh in 2010.

    I hope next year, you will have a best year and cont…

    Wish it come truth! Gabateh!

    Happy new year 2010 to you 🙂

    Last…. Smile 🙂

  7. justmeshakira says:

    Hey, same here, PLEASURE ALL MINE! When we share , we also give and take right? LOL. Honestly, my past life was like 38 of very challenging years.

    Tell you an incident. In 1986, my dad’s Mercedes was stolen, then the next week, my house was broken into, everything gone including all my dad’s stuffs and then the following week, my dad passed away. THREE HAPPENINGS ONE AFTER ANOTHER! I was so numb , no feelings already liao. When I reported to the police , for the third time, the cops told me ” SO BAD LUCK LER!” SO TRUE right?
    Thinking about then, I kept telling myself, JUST BE STRONG. NO TIME TO BE SICK! Ha ha ha. I only knew that if I get sick, then who is going to take care of my dad and family right? I never until now, ask myself WHY ME? I knew that THINGS just happened for REASONS UNKNOWN TO US…..I just accept as tired as I may, I cannot change my LIFE PATH. PEOPLE SAID…LIFE PATH CANNOT BE CHALLENGED. I believe that GOD KNOWS BEST , NO MATTER WHAT!
    Just stay STRONG. It is NO FUN to be CHOSEN by GOD to go through all the TEST but then, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT GOD LOVES YOU, OTHERWISE?

    In Islam, we believe that GOD LOVES US, that is why we are test and challenged , not to PUNISH us but to bring us CLOSER TO HIM!

    Hey, be yourself ler. WHO ELSE CAN YOU BE? Tell you a secret, all those people who hates you because YOU ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKON WITH. (MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!) Have you seen people being vindictive to others who are just NORMAL ah? AH, TO BE ABNORMAL….. COOL! LOL


    hugs with lots of love to you ,yours and Adrian,

    • Cleffairy says:

      *speechless* Now, that’s rare. At least very rare for me. Ahahaha…you’re a very strong woman, Shakira. I seriously admire your perseverance and patience. I can perservere, but got limit wan. Ahahaha… then temper oso very geng wan. 😛

      Yes, God is great. I believe that God also wun test us more than we can endure. Earlier this year, I was drifting away you know? Only in December that I finally realized that He was not actually punishing me, but merely making me SEE things clearly.

      LOL…sounds pretty much like Star Wars… ahaha… yes, same to you too, Shakira. Hugs for Jasmine too.

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