It’s already New Year’s Eve when I’m writing this entry. It’s 3.05am when I started writing this. I couldn’t sleep again, and so, I decided to make use of my time instead of forcing myself to sleep by tossing and turning in bed again.
2009 is by far the toughest and the most educational year for me. I learn a lot of things…the hard way. I’ll tell you what I learned throughout the year.
JANUARY– I learn not to expect much from the people around me. I learned to deal with desperation, frustration and denial.
FEBRUARY– I made a big decision that I thought will do good for me and my family, only to live to regret it, because it complicates my life terribly. I learn that it does one no good if they stop staying strong and admitting that they need help. One should learn to persevere. During this month, I also learned that sometimes I need to share my loved ones with people that I am not particularly fond of. But on a lighter note, during February, I also learned that people change. And to some people, love is unconditional. I learned that we need to give people a second chance, and we should not really look back and condemn the mistakes that they did in the past when we are nowhere near perfect ourselves.
MARCH– March was a particularly fair month for me. And I learned that positive work pressure is actually good for the soul as it motivates you and keep you alive. During this month, I also learned something new about myself, which is; I hate to be forced to do things. March made me wonder if I am actually moving forward and not backwards.
APRIL– I learned that I needed to be more patient with everyone around me. This is also the time where I started to drift away from God, because I felt that He’s not answering my prayers.
MAY– May was the month where my relationship with my husband grows older by another year. And I learned, that passion and romance needs to be rekindled, and one should not take their other half for granted. I learn that everyone should prepare to let go…in case things happen. I also learn that one should not expect people to be thankful for what you’ve done for them. The less you expect, the less you’ll be disappointed.
JUNE– June. Not so much things happened in June besides celebrating my blog’s one year anniversary. During this time of the year, I learned that taking precautions and being mindful of whatever you do is important. Certain things disgusted and repelled me. Rhe feelings are all new to me.
JULY– My nightmare begins. All nonsense were thrown in this month. I had to deal with homelessness because my house was burn down in fire, and I learned that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. I learned to handle pressure and higher level of stress. July 2009 was one of the darkest time of my life. Everything seems to slap me on the face. I felt lost, and felt that God is unfair. But for what it’s worth, I am glad that I still can say “It’s all right. We have each other. Nothing else matters”. This was the month where I happens to bring Meow Meow home, and realized that cats are better than human in many ways.
AUGUST– I was taken aback with certain things, and for a while, I felt numb and didn’t know what to do. I got homesick terribly. Missed my mum and dad, and even my bratty sis. I wished I could tell my dad what so that he could hug me and tell lend me his wisdom. But I didn’t have the courage to do so. And I wasn’t sure if I should either. It will complicate things.This was also the time where I began to build a wall around me and refused to let people into my heart because of certain things that happened. I learned that there are some things that you should not mention, even to your other half. I also learned that people back stabs, and one should never be fooled with their appearance. I also learned that some bitches are extremely manipulative. I could never be like them though I learned that if I wanted to survive my kind of life, I have to be like them. You see, some people, they really can act pitiful and like a complete Saint while their heart is as black as ever. I am not sure if I can be such a whore, seriously. Suicide sounded better to me that turning into such an ugly hearted person. I became bitter during August, and kept everyone out of my heart, not wanting my heart to break again.
SEPTEMBER– I turned 25 years old on 2nd September. I don’t really want to talk about it. It disappointed me. The wall around my heart gets higher and thicker, and harder to break. I learned that sometimes, you have to live with the bad decisions you make, and freedom is not free. Went to spend time with my own family by the end of the month, and desperately wanted to be a little girl again. Desperately longs for a time out. I was in need of a break.
OCTOBER– I learned that getting away from mundane life is good during October. And began to see that sometimes, things are not what it seems. I learned that everyone is no angel, and one should not expected me to treat them and worship them like one. For what it’s worth, certain ‘angels’ are just brainwasher and cleverly manipulates situations to make themselves looks like one. People around me may be blind, but I am not.
NOVEMBER– I was so pissed that sometimes, people just don’t get me and doesn’t respect my role in the family. I felt bad about certain matters at first, but after awhile…all I wanted to do is say “good riddance to bad rubbish”. I learn not to let people twist and turn things around to make me feel guilty. I learned an expensive lesson during November. Which is… you cannot really be two things at a time, and you will need to make choices, no matter how painful it is. Because of the things that happened in November, it made me realized that I needed to be closer to my own parents more than other people in my life and needed to be more open about what’s been bothering me with them. Felt that I needed them more than ever. Wished I really could have my daddy’s wisdom terribly. And thank heavens, this is also the time where daddy began to pay attention to his daughters too. He came on and off to check on his daughters, to see if they are doing all right.
November was also month of adventure for me. There’s NANOWRIMO, and I learn to really take comfort in my writings because I can’t really find it elsewhere. Felt pitiful for myself even more that I could only do things that I really wanted in my novels and it could never be realized. NANOWRIMO saved me from drifting into depression again, as positive kind of stress motivates me.
DECEMBER– Felt depressed earlier December as NANOWRIMO finally ended, and no one was there for me once again. I purposely immerse myself in writing again, desperately trying to get away from my bloody mundane life. And I learned another valuable lesson during December. Most valuable of all, I must say.
I learned that God actually works his miracle in mysterious ways, and no matter how lost I feel, He will send me someone to give me kind nudges to guide me along the way.
I might not realize it, but yes ,thinking back… He was rather kind to me in December. He made me believed in Him again by sending all of you; my blogger friends. He made me believe that there’s more to life than just my mundane ones. He showed me that He is looking out for me.
He sent Claire to me to show me that life is about being grateful for what you have and give thanks. He sent STP to me to tell me that I should learn to live one day at a time and whatever bad that happens to me is just a test from Him. He sent Eugene to me to tell me that love should always be nurtured. He sent Shakira to me to tell me to count my blessings and that there are people out there who cares for me genuinely. God also sent me Merryn andhttp://cleffairy.com/black-girls-dating-site/ to show me that I am not really alone and not everyone have an adventurous life and I should learn to be contented in my role, just like they did and I will feel a lot better.
God also knocks on my head in December to make me remember that He is all around me and I am forever grateful for the little reminders He sent me. I also reveled in the fact that if I want to be loved, I need to love myself first and make effort to love people too. And not only that, I also need to learn to allow people back into my heart again. God showed me that I need to learn how to love again, and learn to let bygone begone. Yes… December is a month of revelation to me, and I desperately pray that God will continue to show me the path that’s truly intended for me and guide me all the way in His own ways.
Tomorrow will be a brand new year. I don’t know what is in store for me in January, (Though I know February will be nothing but shit to me) but whatever will be, will be, for the future is not mine to see. I will hope for the best, and pray that it will not be more worst than 2009. For what is worth, I hope God will be all around me to guide me all the way. (And my own letters to comfort me too!)
Cleffairy: Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future isn’t ours to see, Que Sera, Sera. Happy New Year, Everyone.
ps: I also realized that there are people out there who doesn’t want me to be happy and the only way for me to make them unhappy is for me to be happy. I never really did make any resolution for the past years, but I’m going to make one for 2010, which is be happy and be myself again. After all… I have accepted people for what they are and what they are not. Why should I let people tell me differently? I am who I am, either accept me for who I am, or get out of my life. I never did bother to force them to change themselves for me. Screw ya, assholes!