The empty pages…

I fear a lot of things, but I am definitely not afraid to admit that I’m afraid of a lot of thing, for I know, I am only human, and it is human nature to be fearful of things. By fearing things and be afraid of things that is beyond us, we become more aware of our environment. It’s  nature’s gift to us human to protect ourselves against harm.

As I said, I fear a lot of things. One of them is empty pages. Empty pages scares me. It makes me feel empty and uninspired. It made me feel dead inside and unmotivated. Empty pages, to me, is just like loneliness and sorrow. The feelings they gave me are dreadful and almost unbearable.

After 63 days, 509 pages and 233007 words… my latest novel manuscript is finally completed, and once again, I found myself staring at the empty, clean piece of office document once again. Being able to complete this manuscript is a big achievement for me, because if I’m honest to myself, I know not many is capable of writing 509 pages in just 63 days consecutively.

I am supposed to feel grateful and relieved as I’ve persevered til the end. But instead of feeling that way, my latest manuscript made me feel empty, very, very empty, and suddenly, I feel as if I had too much time to spend. There’s a void in my heart. I feel like I am attending my character’s funeral, and I am supposed to say goodbye to them. I have to say goodbye to their quirks, their adventures, misadventures, and angst as well as their passion. I am no longer in control of what they say or do, and this is just sad for me.

I hate it when my novels comes to an end… because that will mean my horrendous editing nightmares will begin. Not to mention that I’ll have to face the empty pages once again.

Yes… empty pages scares me. It’s one of those things that I’m scared of, among many other things. It’s a weird thing to be scared off, isn’t it? But I am just human. I fear many things. I wonder, what are you scared of? Or you’re scared of nothing?

Cleffairy: Going to overcome my fear for empty pages by starting a new adventure with new characters in a new novel. That’s the only way I won’t feel dead and empty, isn’t it? Yes, I will overcome the fear of feeling empty, by being brave and start writing a line or two to fill the void on the empty pages.


  1. manglish says: just dating

    will u posting ur stories here? would love to read them hehhheh

    • Cleffairy says:

      I dun post my stories in blogs wan… lol…only in some writer’s circle for reviews and for my beta readers to read. LOL…not suitable to post in my blog lah, manglish! LOL…

  2. eugene says:

    will you get your novel published, please give me a hard cover with your signature on it, if cannot give,, 505 discaunt can or not?

    seriously, i think you should come out and go find a publisher and get it done, l like reading novels, but mostly mat salleh one, my current fav is Mary Higgins Clark, but then again the, back drop is always america america…

    Now,if you get your novels published,i believe it will be a 100 % local fare, like Jalan Abdul Rahman, char koay teow and some of the setting,

    so Please go go go,,,,

    • Cleffairy says:

      Not easy to get novels published in Malaysia… some of mine, not suitable for Malaysian publication. Seriously… and summore, if wanna self-publish, at least need RM5k on hand, for first 1000 copies, I think. That one not included the agent and whatnot yet lerr…gruesome tasks, and money consuming too. Wait til I got more $$ to spare lerr!

    • Cleffairy says:

      If only it’s writer’s block. I got no writer’s block, but plot bunnies are abusing my head. 🙁 So many stories coming to my mind, til my head oso numb oredi… LOL… need to get them out soon… make rabbit satay! YAy!

  3. Alv0808 says:

    Tell me when you publish the novels. I love to read and write as well. I’m a freelance writer long long time ago (during school time ..hehehee) and the DBP compiled together with other stories (in Malay we called it CERPEN, short story). But I stop when I grew up. Life is not easy..hehee..btw, thank you for dropping always ya.. God bless you..

    • Cleffairy says:

      LOL… I used to write cerpen too… but… my bahasa not as good as my English, so… I gave up on it and concentrate on English language ones. Write fictions, non-fictions… you know, the usual. Eh… u wun mind if I add you in my blogroll, rite? LOL…

  4. Christopher says:

    Though it’s great to love your job (or even it’s not a job for you since you love writing), I suggest you take a break from your ‘work’ and go for some leisurely pursuits. A vacation or doing something that you like might help to recharge you and fill up that emptiness in you. I read a book before and it talks about balancing your life. Can’t remember exactly what it says but it suggest to balanced your life between work, family life, leisure (sports, recreation), financial, religion and etc.It’s sort like a pie chart where you put certain % on it at certain times. Maybe more time for family during the holiday seasons ..etc.

    • Cleffairy says:

      I dun like my job, Chris. I’m in editing line, no longer in journalistic line. I tone down a lot. Wish I can go back and become journalist, but it’s not possible at the moment. 🙁

      Writing is a form of escapism for me, actually. LOL…I go out on picnic oso I bring my notebook alone, jot down things, write poems, etc. It’s been a part of my life d lerr… lol….that emptiness comes when i’m not writing ler… so sien. It’s like having sex… dun hv, den feel very sien. LMAO….gonna just be ‘celibate’ for a few days, and abuse my oven kao kao… den back to writing new one on 15th. LOL….

      @ STP Now… dun go pengsan on me yet, ok… so far, nobody is poisoned in my house!

  5. Cynthia says:

    Me too love to read the novel if you published it!! I have not pick a book to read for a year now.. 🙁

    Time to have a break after the novel is done.. the empty pages need to be filled with holidays and rest!

  6. Cheeyee says:

    I know what you mean… I got to do some writing task for my job too even though technical writing is not my strength at all. I also used to stare at the empty page for don’t remember how many hours. Sigh. More and more responsibilities are pushed to us…. and now with the old COO gone, I got to do demo to external party (which in the past was done by the old COO) as well! I wonder what I need to do next.

    • Cleffairy says:

      *sigh* Thank God someone understands how I feel. Else, i would have feel like I’m a complete Otaku, fearing the empty pages of all the things.

      Things are rough for you too, Cheeyee? Hang in there…my phone is for you to abuse. LOL… abuse wisely.

  7. kimberlymay says:

    Hmm… Empty pages may scare you but on the other hand, it provides you the opportunity to explore other parts of your brain to come up with something new. 😀 Looking at a different perspective may make you feel a little better, I hope.

    As for me, I am afraid of taking chances. I am so used to my own environment that makes it harder to get out of my comfort zone. Hopefully, one day I will gather my courage to take a chance.

    • Cleffairy says:

      Wow… thanks for your words, kim… it really makes me think alot. Looking things at different perspective? I think I should take up your advice, and start looking at things differently.

      I’m kinda reckless…not really afraid to make mistakes, so I’m not afraid of taking chances. LOL… my whole life has always been about taking chances, and up til now… my life story is like a huge, distorted misadventures. LOL…

      Follow what your heart tells you to do, Kimberly. And you will be liberated. 😀 good luck… in whatever you do, and I’ll pray you’ll get the phone call that you’ve been waiting for.

    • Cleffairy says:

      When I publish, it wun be ‘cleffairy’ who publish it. Cleffairy will remain elusive to the whole world, except to a select few. *grinz* LOL…. all of you here in my blog will remain my personal friends. You take my autograph for wud? I treat you and your smallkucing to some cakes or ice cream better, rite? 😛

  8. shakira says:

    I really think you should be so proud that you can write and write well too.

    I do not write novels, but I bet it must be so rewarding. So, you like to send your characters to death? I see that THE EMPTINESS IS FROM THAT.Not so much the empty page for the empty pages should represents HOPE.Always think positively.

    I am very proud of you.


    • Cleffairy says:

      Actually, the emptiness is not from that. LOL…it’s from all of their sex and steamy stuff. *roll eyes* i hardly kill any of my characters wan lerr… just the evil ones!

  9. eugene says:

    By the way… can you give me any of your published novels or not,,,,?good morning, why this mornig no update ka,, you’re one of those that i must visit on a daily basic,, just like my kick from kopi o kaw kaw…

    take care dotter…….

  10. kenwoi says:

    wow.. 500+ pages..
    i know im the one of the many who wont be able to do that..
    dont worry about the new empty pages..
    inspirations and motivations will appear! =)

  11. CHVoon says:

    Er.. You are Novel writer? Cool! What is the book you wrote?

    I cannot do it, I surrender > 509 pages hehehe

    There is never ending in your life… come on write another new novel!

    What I scare…. Die! Because it is the end of my life… nothing I can do to change it!

    • Cleffairy says:

      Ahahahahahah! Voon! Surrender? Actually, I almost surrender on this particular one also. LOL…I got a lot of incomplete works. I guess everyone is scared of dying eh? I dunno if I’m scared of dying. Been close to dying a few times in my blasted 25 years of life d. Living is scary to me… lol… full of uncertainties.

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