It feels like it’s been a really, really long time since I sit down and blog. I mean, really, really blog about what I want to say straight from my heart. I know my blog has turned rather impersonal…and some people who are really close to me are starting to wonder why.
Good question. WHY? I don’t know how am I supposed to answer that question. I don’t exactly know why, but despite the fact that I have so much to tell, and so much to share, I’m not just ready to share with all of you out there. I’m a little bit afraid that I’ll get everyone worrying about me…and perhaps, worried that some people will start cursing at me for moaning and groaning about my life again.
You know, while writing is always a form of therapy for me, it’s not quite the same with everyone else out there. To most, I’m merely spreading negativities, and affecting the mood of others. To most, it’s rather attention seeking, and so, I try to be considerate and keep everything…all the things I’m not happy about inside so that it does not affect everyone who happens to stumble upon my writing, but a good friend of mine from my schooling days called me up on my uneventful birthday a week ago, to wish me a very happy birthday.
This particular guy friend, along with another GFF never missed wishing me a happy birthday every year, even though we are geographically apart….something not even my husband will bother to do. Why? Don’t ask me why. Perhaps he feels that I don’t deserve it? Or perhaps it is not important, that is why my husband don’t give a shit about it and purposely making excuse not to celebrate it with me by going out whole damn night on the eve of my birthday, not picking up phonecalls and not bothering to even return sms and bloody hell went out again that bloody Sunday noon because of ‘important work’. Whatever shit it is, I’ll have to make note return the favour next year, if there is any, that is, since he is pretty much involved with other things and prefers to live in his own world right at the moment. Crappy birthday, but I really got to thank God for the big slap, because it’s somewhat a wake up call for me. I now realized that I hold no importance in his life. It’s been that way for many years, and I was stupid enough to keep tolerating it and being understanding. And what should I do with this knowledge? It is something I prefer not to think about yet…for now, that is. I need to clear my head a bit before doing any serious thinking.
Anyway, my friend asked me if I’m all right, in which, I told him that I’m not quite sure if I am, with all the changes, and all the overwhelming things that’s going on in my life. I actually cried miserably during that phone call; I told him that I feel shut out and unappreciated, which got him all worried; because he never knew me as a depressed and unhappy person. He knew me as a happy, carefree, worry- free, and optimistic person with a ‘can do’ attitude.
And so, after I’m done sobbing, he told me that I need to start opening up again instead of shutting everyone out and suffer in silence, just because I thought people will judge me for it.
I have to admit… my friend was right. Why should I suffer in silence? Why should I care about what people think about me? I mean, my friend is right, ‘people’ are not walking in my shoes, and therefore, they do not know how it’s like to feel what I felt.
And so, from this moment on, if any of you feel that you cannot tolerate me washing my dirty bras and panties in public, kindly leave so that you can spare your innocent eyes from reading dirty and unhappy things.
Cleffairy: Someone asked me how I spent my birthday, and if I had a blast. Well, I did not had a blast. I spent it over a cup of tea in O Brien’s Midvalley…thinking…planning…scheming on doing something else on my next birthday next year. Perhaps, from now on, I should make a point to just fly back to my parents on my birthday? At least I know that they will not ditch me for anything else, and even if they did, they will at least give me a call to wish me a happy birthday. At least…they make a point to make me feel that they love me, and I am important in their lives.