You’re my immortal…

Initially…I wanted to write about this a couple of days ago. But I couldn’t put things into words, and I’m not quite sure if it was a correct timing too.

Before I digress further… I have to say that as an author…I am quite complicated. Well, at least in some ways. Some may say that I am like an open book, readable and easy to comprehend. While some…may say I’m like an alien. They would have to dissect my head open to understand my thinking and my behaviour.

There are people whom I let them into my life…while there are some others… I prayed for them from afar, because I am afraid to get to know them for the fear that when I get close to them, they will leave me and I will be hurt when they are gone. I wonder if this is the correct thing to do. But I am a mere mortal. I’m afraid, for pain and sorrow, especially when things are inevitable.

Now…today…my conscience have been practically slicing my heart, and I am forced to put this into words.

Some of you may know… and some of you may be left in the dark…about the recent passing of Lisaone. I have been following her blog, and many other cancer patients like Ellie Shoal Potvin’s religiously, quietly, privately since early of this year.

I tried to correspondewith the said lady (Lisa) via email… I believe, a tad too late. Somewhere in April or was it May? I had no response from her. Perhaps… she was already very ill at that time.

The subject of cancer is very close to home to me. You see… I grew up a sickly child. I was even thrown into a comatose for a couple of days when I was 13 because of a lung illness after an open chest operation, and it was a miracle that I survived.

People were more prepared for my funeral rather than see me wake up. A team of doctors were amazed that I woke up, and everyone were singing praises to the good Lord.

My life back then…hang in balance, just like those children in the children ward, whom I made acquaintance with. As a child, I was forced to see those who slept near my bed die one by one. I lost them… from cardiopulmonary diseases to chronic lymphocytic leukemia…to melanoma… you name it.

I even had to hear the sound of nurses and doctors making effort to resuscitate those who are on the verge of death sometimes, and there’s even once, I saw a girl of 5 years old being ‘put to sleep’ forever because her parents chose to turn off the life support from her instead of holding on to hope and let her suffer further.

And it wasn’t easy, and when I grew up, I dare not make acquaintance with anyone who are fighting off terminal diseases. Because I knew the inevitable, and I don’t want to be the crying little girl who see deaths before she sleep again.

I fear for them and their family. I know it is not right, but I am still afraid…especially when I read their medical reports. In Lisaone’s case…while it made no sense to many readers… her medical reports on her markers… Iressa effects… her detox retreats makes perfect sense to me, because I grew up with friends who had to go through with the things that she did, and they never failed to leave me. 🙁

Afraid as I am to let people who have cancer too close to me, it did not stop me to immortalize the cancer patience bravery and courage to fight against their illness through my writing, and since early of this year… January, I believed… I have been frequenting Lisaone’s blog as a reference for one of my ongoing book for one of my characters (Isabelle Hart; 18 year old with an un-operatable brain tumour).

Lisaone is a remarkable woman with the courage that I have none. She inspired me, and therefore, earlier of this year… I had begun writing a novel about a girl who had cancer…with attitude somewhat like Lisa’s. I had asked for permission from her somewhere in late April via email, but I get no response from her. She was unreachable and un-contactable.

She stopped updating her blog as well then around that time, and so… now… if anyone knows how I can get in touch with her next kin, or the next kin themselves, please contact me at [email protected], so that I can contact her next kin and pay a small tribute instead of just passing a heartfelt condolence over here in my blog.

And when the book is finally published somewhere around next year, each book that had been sold… some amount of the profit would be donated to their cancer foundation of their choice…. for the good of the rest who are fighting for the same battle like the late Lisaone.

Cleffairy: Many may not know this, but the day someone really had cancer… is the very day they went for radio or chemotherapy. And many succumbs to not cancer itself, but to chemical poisoning and the toxic build up in their body that overwhelms the entire system. So many succumbs to it… that I always wonder… what is more worst? Cancer? Or the therapy that weakens the immune system to kill the bad cells?

ps: Some may say that I am an opportunist… to be writing about the plight of people with terminal disease…but am I? It is wrong to inspire people with the same kind of illness to not give up and have faith? And is it wrong to wanting to immortalize them? And is it wrong to wanting to give back, not to their family, but those who really needs the money for their treatments?


  1. MRC says:

    Opportunist??!! – NO – You’re trying to do something here & yes indeed to be down with cancer is dreadful & the chemotherapy thing….Yeap what the cancer’s patient had to go through(dare not imagine that)

    I’m the type that accept a person as he / she is (if after i accept them) 🙂

    • Cleffairy says:

      Nobody would ever understand how sick and how horrible one could feel when dealing with the big ‘C’ or other kind of chronic illness unless they’re in the same shoes. The hospital was like my toilet when was growing up…. went there to ‘overnight’ more than I could count, and my parents were really short of cash for treatments. Sometimes… I really do wish I could do something… to give back something… be it moral support or financial… in any way I can. I am not rich… I barely have enough to go by everyday… but if I could help people thru writing, it would be great, don’t you think? God gave me talent… must be for a reason.

  2. cloudia says:

    The immigrants to Hawaii from the Pacific isles normally have strong faith and resignation about end of life. They stay at home, everyone comes over. A lot of singing happens.

    My Dad used every isotope way too long. I wish he had come home with hospice much sooner…and that we had sung more…

    Aloha from Waikiki

    Comfort Spiral

    • Cleffairy says:

      Ohh… this is very interesting. I don’t know much about Hawaiian cultural beliefs. 😀 Thank you for sharing with me. Nice to know that death is also about celebration of life…

      The singing… the gathering… sounds pretty much like a live funeral concept. It is… like that, isn’t it? It’s like a funeral, only more vibrant, and the person in question is still alive, enjoying the company of family and friends in his or her last moments.

  3. suituapui says:

    That’s why I pray that I will just drop dead…or just fail to wake up one fine day. I wouldn’t want to fall sick and be confined to the bed…and most of all, I wouldn’t want to have cancer. One of my maternal aunts had that and being religious, she refused all treatment, no pain killers as she believed that God wanted her to suffer…and suffer she did! All the crying in pain for one and half years until she was skin and bone left and how everyone taking care of her suffered too…until one night, somebody gave her some holy water that they brought back from Lourdes and she passed away peacefully…

    • Cleffairy says:

      Yes… being sick for very long time before finally meeting Death would be terrible…how we would suffer, and how our loved ones would be miserable too. Having seen many friends passed away because of cancer and all sort of disease when I was a child…I don’t know which one is worst… the treatment, or certain illness itself. I think… I can understand your late aunt at one point. I mean… I would have chosen to refuse treatments too if I had cancer. I wouldn’t want to be subject to the torture of chemotherapy…some… just prolong life, but will not cure you. 🙁 I would choose to have painkiller though… and live my life to my heart’s content before I die. I would have at least wanted a quality life before I die. Duzzin matter if it’s short. God bless your aunt’s soul… I’m sure God have mercy and she’s in a better place right now…(yea, definitely a better place, for the Kingdom of God is perfect)

    • Cleffairy says:

      I survived many times from the clutches of Death. I always believe that God have a reason to keep me alive, and I’m sure He would like me to help others in my own way…

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